A Letter to My Third Daughter on Your Adoption Day

Dear Morrigan, 

About 24 hours after you were born we knew you were coming to our house. You were born in 2020 - a very unusual year that you’ll learn about in history one day. When the people who make these decisions

called me they were having a hard time finding foster parents who would take a baby from the hospital because of the threat of Covid. Bubbie was working from home and was in a session on Zoom with a client when they called so I couldn’t talk to her. I called Maddie and asked if she could help us more if we said yes and she was thrilled! Maddie said yes before Bubbie knew! 

They initially told us that you had relatives you’d be going to and the pandemic might slow that down but that was the plan. It wasn’t too long before we learned that wouldn’t be happening. We did get to know your great aunt and grandmother and hope they stay important to you as you grow up. Your grandmother lives in Columbia and we want you to know that’s a part of who you are.  Your first mom also loves you very much and we will do everything we can to help you know her as you grow.

You fit right into our family as a fifth child who loved to sleep! We stayed at home most of the time for your first months, and year really. You were super skeptical of strangers for a long time but now at 3 you’re often the life of the party. You definitely have your favorites and sometimes you can be fickle but you have loved your brothers and sisters since day 1.  

You spent your first 3 years with B who is just six months older than you are. You were basically twins! His move to his first mom’s house still feels very new and hard for us and we know you feel it too. Your connection was special and deep and it’s been hard to watch that change for you. 

What the judge says and does today means that Bubbie and I are your parents forever and ever. You are the sixth Olive-Allison to ever exist! Your middle name changes today to Mercy. Bubbie may have other reasons she suggested this as your name but I have two. About nine months before you were born I was trying to get pregnant. That didn’t work but your timing was perfect and a special gift and reminder for me. And secondly - we will have the same initials so you can share all of my monogramed things! How cool will that be?! :) 

Another cool gift of timing is that you and Sam will share an adopt-a-versary! She was adopted on October 13 too!  Your adoption means we won’t have more foster kids in our home. This has only been the case for a handful of months over the last ten years. Bubbie and I aren’t exactly sure what will happen next but it definitely feels different. 

Morrigan Mercy Olive-Allison, you are loved by your family near and far and by a big, big, village. You are a delight and I am honored I get to be your Mama. 

Love, 

Mama

A Letter to My Second Daughter on Her Adoption Day

Chloe,
In the middle of May 2017 we heard from your first mom that she was pregnant. She loved you from the beginning and was so excited you were coming. We saw her that October when she was very pregnant with you. At that time she thought you were a boy and you would be born in January in Alabama. The next time we heard about you, you were born- a girl, in December, in Georgia! You made your entrance into the world in a hurry and in a scary situation. You’ve been a strong, brave girl from the beginning.

Your Aunt Kristina let us know you were born and that your first mom wasn’t able to take you home from the hospital. She called the right people who called us and we were able to bring you home from the hospital when you were ten days old.

When you came home, you were our fifth kid all under 5! It was a bit crazy but you fit right in. A couple of months later your first mom decided she wanted you to be with us forever and grow up with Sam. This was a hard choice for her, but one she made because she loved you so much.

She was so glad for you be with your sister. We are too. Your Bubbie and I didn’t have biological sisters, but we can imagine how great it will be to grow up with one. We consider all of our kids to be siblings while they’re in our home, but your connection to Sam is different and that’s something we’re grateful for.

Your adoption today feels different for us. Unlike Sam’s, we’ve known you would be our forever daughter for many months (2 years!) before the adoption - almost from the beginning. And unlike Kingston’s we didn’t have to convince anyone we were the best family for you.  This one was expected but no less anticipated. Even though we’ve thought this is what would happen, we are never surprised by DFCS and know anything can happen. We are thrilled you’ve been adopted quicker than your brother and sister even though it’s taken longer than it had to.

Your adoption is also different because it happened differently. Today we all squished together on our couch and watched Mr. Tom and Judge Gottfried say the words that make you our official daughter. We raised our right hands and promised to love you and take care of you forever. Lots of people who love you, from all over the place also got to sign in and see it happen too. It was different than going to the courthouse, but no less official or special. Lots of people were able to join who may not have been able to if it had happened the traditional way.

Today your middle name changed to Grace. This is what you have been to our family - a gift from God we could have never expected or deserve. Grace joins Joy and Heart as the gifts our children have been to us and our village and the world. You are a delight. You’re curious and expressive and very funny. From the beginning you’ve been your Bubbie’s girl and you still usually prefer her, telling me “Bubbie doot (do it)” no less than 15 times a day. You have had some challenges (and more hospital stays than most two-year olds) but you are still brave and tough and a little scrappy - determined to make your way in this world. Those are characteristics that will serve you well your whole life - if you let them.

I’m grateful to live in the world with you in it and I’m so grateful I get to be your Mama. We've loved you from the moment we met you. Now our names match our hearts. You are our daughter - an Olive-Allison for ever and ever. There are only five Olive-Allisons in the world. I can't wait to see what the years ahead have for our family - with you in it!

Love you, Chloe Grace!
Mama

A letter to my son on his adoption day

Kingston,

On May 2, 2015 Bubbie and I were at an all-day foster parent training. A regional leader at DFCS was encouraging us to recruit more foster families. She said she had never seen the need so great in our community. She said “I’ve got a newborn in the hospital right now with no one to take him and that’s how you know its bad. We need more homes.” After the training we went to talk to her. We told her that even though we already had a two year old and a one year old at home – that if she would let us – we would be willing to have three kids. That night she texted me with one word “Newborn?” I responded “Maybe.” And then Bubbie and I talked and prayed and I texted her back “We have talked and prayed and would like more information if we could be considered. We are willing.” Over the next few days we got pieces of information. At about 3 o’clock in the afternoon someone finally called and said “he’s ready to be discharged can you come before 5?” So I left work and picked you up from the hospital on the way home!

We had a rough start. You had (and still have) lots of allergies that made you very uncomfortable. We finally figured out the best combination of formula and medicine for you about 7 months later. In those first 7 months we spent lots and lots of time walking and bouncing and watching Gilmore Girls reruns through the night. You were the first newborn baby we’ve taken care of. We both had a lot of learning to do.

For almost exactly a year it looked like the plan for you was going to be going back to live with your first mom. She loves you SO much. And she has never failed to visit you, check on you, and make sure you have what you need. You’ve had lots of love from her from the very beginning. We still see her and will keep seeing her as long as it is healthy for you.

For a couple of months in your first year it seemed like you might be going to live in the foster home where your older sister was living. We’re still not very sure why that never happened in 2016. Later things changed and some people wanted to you move there in 2018. At that point we were not convinced that would be the best place for you and worked hard to keep you in our home. Many things have happened in these 1487 days that we don’t understand. There have been lots of people who really looked out for you and helped us get here.

I tell you this to say, that we haven’t always known that you would end up being our forever son. That's the way foster care is sometimes. Trying to make decisions to determine what the best thing for you might be has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Your Bubbie and I have spent lots of time reading and consulting and praying and talking and working to make sure that we can be the very best parents for you. This hasn't been easy and just because our names match now, its not magically going to get easier.

Just know this. Today a judge (after lots of work by lawyers, advocates, case managers, friends, pray-ers, and your village) declared that you are legally our son. This is the day that our names match. This is the day I get to forever know that I am your Mama. I pray everyday that I am up for this! You are wanted. You are loved. You are fought-for. One of the lines from a song from our favorite artist says "You are not an accident where no one thought it through; The world it stood against us, made us mean to fight for you; and when we chose your name we knew you'd fight the power too." We mean those words, Buddy. We fought for you. And we will keep fighting.

We've chosen a name for you that reminds us of what you have brought to our family. Hearts are fragile. Hearts are wild. Hearts are unpredictable and unruly sometimes. Hearts get us into the most trouble and the most beauty that most of us ever experience. Hearts are necessary. Hearts grow and beat and keep us going. We love yours. And we love you.

Happy Adoption Day, Kingston. This is a wild and beautiful world and I'm glad we're in this together.

Love,
Mama

End of School and Big Changes for R and F

F,

This week you celebrated your last day of school at “big school” you call it. You had a great school year and learned so much! Before the year started I shared my hopes for this year (in this letter) for you most all of them came true!

You’ve learned so much at speech and are quite the chatterbox these days! You are so proud of all you’re learning. You’ve started drawing people and things and its so cool to watch you make sense of the world.

At both of your schools and daycare you learned about being a friend and having friends. You still prefer to play by yourself most of the time, but some of us are just wired that way!

You’ve mastered the potty! And you didn’t break your glasses! Preschool success!!

This summer will bring some big changes for you. Lots of people who love you and who are in charge of making decisions about you have decided that the best thing for you and your sisters is for you all to be together. This summer you’ll all be transitioning to live with a different family in a new town. We’ve started meeting them and letting them get to know you and you get to know them. We are working together to make this the best possible transition for all of us. We all want what’s best for you and R and M and P. We are so so grateful that you all will get to be together with a wonderful family who can meet your needs and connect you with resources and teach you about God’s love and be family for you if the judge decides you don’t need to move again. We will miss you so much. We will miss R so much. We’ve been family for nearly 2 years (which is hard to believe). This is going to be hard on us all. But we have hope as an anchor. That means we have big heavy hopes. Things that keep us held down in the best possible ways. Big hopes that your time with us has offered safety and stability and healing and growth and has prepared you and R for more safe and stable and healthy and growing years to come.

I love you, F. I am glad I’ve gotten to be your Mama for 679 days. I’m going to make sure these last 60 or so we have together are wonderful.

End of School Year Letter for Sam

Last week was your last day of kindergarten. I can’t believe how fast this school year flew by. I went back and looked at the letter I wrote you when school started and at the things I hoped you would learn this year and I’m amazed at how much you learned and how much you’ve changed and grown.

We have Mae Mae and Steve to thank for you managing sight words and AR points and homework. Without them I don’t think any of us would have made it through this year. Your time at their house every afternoon is a gift I am sure you’re going to treasure for all of your days.

You’ve learned to read! Right now you love to sound out every word you see and figure it out. You also LOVE to write. Your teacher sent you home with an amazing journal collection of your writing and drawing throughout the year and its so cool to see how much you’ve learned. You learned what it means to work on something really really hard and be proud of how it turned out.

You’ve made some friends this year and learned lessons about kindness and generosity. You also learned that taking a new toy to school to trade with a friend is probably not a good idea.

You’ve kept your sense of humor and learned more jokes. You had a teacher that handled and appreciated your sass which was a great match.

Thankfully you enjoyed school lunches all year. You got to take your lunch from home as a special reward sometimes but even started to turn it down at the end of the year.

You didn’t lose your pencil pouch and we heard and saw you choose kindness over and over.

You only get one year of kindergarten and there are something about this one that I will cherish and some things I wish had been different.

Mostly, I feel like I missed it.

I hope in the years to come I don’t miss it.

We made it through the school year and have fun things planned this summer. I can’t wait to spend extra time with you and watch you learn and grow!

Love, Mama

A Lesson in Perspective from K

In case you don’t get to spend a lot of time with this sweet boy on the reg., he has meltdowns. Meltdowns that leave me wishing I had a tranquilizer on hand—for myself, of course. This past Saturday he had one that has taken me a few days to process. Mainly because it happened in public. In Publix, actually. He and I were doing the weekly grocery shopping—a task which is normally done by him and Meg. But with her sick, we set out as soon as the little ones were down for their nap.

Meg would tell you that I’m a slow shopper. And that I made too many extra stops that prolonged the trip unnecessarily. I would agree. By the time we got to Publix it was already time to be home preparing dinner—with food we needed from Publix. So we rushed in the “green store” and I started ticking items off the Meg-made list. K immediately noticed a fellow patron getting an Elsa balloon inflated for a birthday party and wanted to watch. I obliged while I was in the area, but eventually I had to break it to him that we had to go to the next isle. I should have known. I should have prepared him. He fell to the floor whining, crying, and kicking while repeating “I don’t want to go” over and over.

After failed attempts at empty threats and bribery I put the produce back up, abandoned the buggy, and scooped him up like a baby. At the door I told him I would let him down, and I let him know calmly and firmly that he had to hold my hand in the parking lot. He fell out again, this time grabbing onto the sliding door, snorting and yelling “no, no, no.” Snot bubbles, spit . . . his face was contorted and glistening. I scooped him up again and headed to the car, humiliated. I could feel eyes on us as we walked the 20 yards, but did not realize exactly what was happening outside my tunnel vision. I had to wrestle him into his car seat before I could escape the situation, drawing even more attention to our plight (he was still screaming).

Finally, I backed out of my parking spot and turned around to a crowd of faces still staring—one woman, cell phone in hand, taking pictures or videos of the car, us, and then my license plate. I *politely* rolled down my window and let her know “He’s mine, okay?!?!?” The only response I got was her index finger wagging at the sky while her head bobbled back and forth in my rear-view mirror. I can only imagine what she was preaching to the crowd around her.

When I got back home I broke down recounting the story to Meg. Anger. Shame. Inadequacy. Fear. And in the midst of all my tears my sweet boy finally snapped back (he had cried to go back to the green store since we left the green store) and stood beside me patting my arm.

Perception. OED defines it as “the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses” and “the way in which something is regarded, understood, or interpreted.” My perception has been formed through all that I have seen, heard, tasted, smelled, and touched throughout my lifetime. Senses give us the basis to form memories about situations that in turn trigger our emotional senses: fear, trust, love, gratitude, loyalty . . . I have been stared at, but never quite like that. Not like a black family barbecuing in a public park, or a black student sleeping on the couch in a common room, or a brown family seeking asylum . . . My anger and fear and passive aggression come from a privileged perspective (though the almost-four-year-old with a quick temper played a minor role). I knew I would make it home safely—with my beautiful "brown" boy—barring an apoplectic stroke.

This may have nothing or everything to do with the Publix incident, but twice this week K has told me he’s different. Both times I have asked why he thinks that and he has replied, “because my skin is brown.” And both times I reassured him that everyone belongs in our family. Then I pointed out all the other families we know who don't "match." We are constantly exposing all of our children to new experiences and a rich variety of people. K has a barbershop, books that reflect his skin color, and music. He loves music. Beyoncé. Hazel Scott. Snoop Dogg…I want nothing more for K than for him to be safe, happy, and healthy and always know how much he is loved. I don’t want to steal his Black identity.

I am constantly aware of the implications of transracial adoption. We’re used to the stares, points, and whispers from the folks trying to figure us out. We’re a lot. Add other foster mamas (Missy & Octavia) to the mix and we’re a mystery that cannot be solved . . . unless you know us. And how can you know us if all you do is stand back and judge or call the police? (I just want to say that don’t you think kidnappers would be more discreet than a large white woman in a tie-dyed shirt carrying a screaming child through the parking lot?) I realized I probably seemed unapproachable Sunday, that’s my fault. But a kind word, an empathetic nod…a conversation about the difficulties of parenting. Any of those would have been nice. And way more constructive than pointing fingers in a parking lot. (I'm still a little miffed.)

We all—no matter race, color, creed, or sexual orientation—have common lived experiences that could meaningfully connect us with others in this divided world, if only we took a moment to gain perspective.

Update for R&F

Dear R and F,

Today the judge heard your case. There were a lot of people there for this hearing. Your first mom, your three older brothers, three of your great-grandparents, some cousins, and several of your mom’s friends. Bubbie and I were also there.

The Judge wanted to hear from DFCS about what your mom has been doing on the list of things she needs to do to be able to take care of you well. There are three big parts to this and she’s started on one of the parts. She’s been out of town a lot over the past year but says she’s back and is going to work to be able to parent you.  She has a little bit of time left to do a whole lot of work. We’re not sure what’s going to happen. We will go back before the judge in January.

What we do know is that it seems to be priority for everyone to make sure that you and your two sisters end up together. Maybe that will be with mom if she works really really hard. There’s a small chance it could be with relatives if it is decided they can take all of you. There’s also a chance it will be with a new family that wants to adopt all four of you together. We are going to work as hard as we possibly can to make sure that whatever transition happens, happens in a way that is the best for you both. Even though we can’t be your parents forever, our commitment is to be the very best parents for you until you don’t need us to anymore. A big part of that is making sure that you transition well.

I wish I could tell you more about what will happen and when, but the truth is that in this world of foster care we never really know. There are lots of people looking out for you and thinking about what’s best for you and we will keep making sure that decisions are being made based on that.

F - We got results back today from some assessments you had done in June. We finally have names for some of the challenges you’ve been having. My hope is that these things aren’t used to “label you” or discourage anyone from knowing and loving you, but that they are used to make sure you’re getting the very best resources to help you be happy and healthy and whole. You’ve started talking so much more in the last weeks and are so proud of yourself. In our house before you can tattle to a grown up about something someone else has done, you have to tell the person who did something how it makes you feel. You appreciate this rule and I often hear you telling K “You make me feel…GRRRR!” You’re trying so hard to be a big boy. We’re proud of you and the work you’re doing and appreciate all the help we’re getting from our village. You’ve started spending some time with Aunt Beck. She loves you very much and is very invested in making sure you’re getting the attention you need.

R – These days you are nothing but charm. You’re picking up words and trying to talk more and more. You are one of the stealthiest babies I’ve known. Every chance you get, you sneak to your bedroom and grab your paci from the bed and stick it in your mouth.  You love to eat and play and sit and read books. You’ve almost totally caught up with the milestones you should be meeting. You’re amazing to us and everyday we marvel at how resilient you are.

We don’t know what the future holds for you or what a timeline might look like. We’re working hard to do everything we can to make sure that the decisions being made about your care are made for the very best reasons. Your Bubbie and I love you and are so glad you’re in our family.

Love, Mama

A First Day Letter for K

K,
Yesterday was your first day of the 3's class at your preschool. This is your second year there so its a familiar place with familiar people. You walked in with your new dino backpack like a big boy,  looking for your familiar teacher in a new classroom. You have a great class filled with new friends and old friends and a teacher you love.

After school everyday you're still going to go to Easter Seals for afternoon care. You're one of the only typical kids in your class there and we're hoping that has been a good setting for you to grow and learn. We're hoping that you're learning to be a good friend and to not be afraid of people who may be different than you are.

This start of a school year won't feel that different for you - I imagine...just more of the same.

I hope this year of familiarity offers you a deep sense of stability. You more than any of our other kids crave stability and predictability and I'm glad you have a place that offers that.

I hope you learn all your letters and love to learn.

I hope you are a good friend and make a good friend.

I hope you keep using your words to tell us what you need. Especially when you're hangry.

I hope you learn to try to new foods. Somehow. Especially things with protein.

I hope you keep loving what you love and liking what you like and don't listen to the haters. Your imagination is taking off and its so much fun to watch and listen to you play. Don't stop. There are no such things as toys only for boys and toys only for girls.

I hope you keep developing your big brother skills. You love R and Baby C and are already looking out for them.

We've had a busy summer with several court dates for you. We've learned the waiver from the state that will allow you to be adopted separately from your sister has been granted. Now we have to wait for them to legally say that your father has no rights to take care of you and then you'll be free for adoption. You're still visiting with your sister every week and we hope there is some way that you'll be able to continue a relationship with her after she's adopted by her foster mom. We hope grownup issues don't get in the way of you all knowing one another. We go back to court in October and hope to know something about a possible adoption timeline then.

Your favorite things right now are Barbie dolls (especially Elsa) and snakes and spiders. You love to read books and sing. You sing to yourself all the time. You still love to eat chicken nuggets and fries more than anything in the world. Other than a random case of the croup this week, you're a very healthy kid. You're becoming more and more independent and vocal about what you like and don't like and I hope we continue to honor your voice and help you learn how to use it. You're a pretty stubborn kid which is not always a bad thing but does make it hard sometimes. You're also a sweetheart and right now a mama's boy. I can't wait to see how you use these gifts and traits as you grow.

This school year is going to be a little crazy for our family, K. Hang in there, Buddy. It also could be the best yet!

Love,
Mama

First Day of School Letter for F

F,

You started school today! You're going to a special classroom in an elementary school for younger kids who need a little extra help getting ready for school. You did this a little bit last school year so its not totally new, but your class has been moved to a different school. You're such a little fella in a school with such big kids. You only get to go to this class for half days two times a week and the rest of the time will be able to go back to Easter Seals where you've been all summer. You really like your class there.

I hope you have a great year of learning and growing at both schools.

I hope the extra attention helps you catch up. You're doing so well with speech and are so proud to be able to communicate more clearly these days.

I hope your body stays strong and healthy and that when (not if) those glasses break we can fix them at least 2 times before we have to replace them.

I hope all the things that trigger your anxiety stay far away from you.

I hope that you make some friends your age.

I hope you'll start to see that the important adults in your life will love you no matter what.

I hope that you'll learn how great it is to use the potty! (Please. Please. Please.)

I hope that your bus driver takes the long way every time you're on the bus so you get to see everything from "so high."

I hope we'll get fewer accident reports as a result of your carelessness and clumsiness!

I hope you have fun. Like real pure fun. Like so much you can't keep it to yourself.

F, you've recently decided that you're not a fan of me. We're working through this with help from Dr. B. I pray and ask the experts for help to know how to be the best Mama I can be for you now. She says what you need is safety and stability and we're doing that as best we know how. I get glimmers of the sweet boy I know is in there and that others know every so often when we interact and it gives me hope. Whatever it is - know that I love you and am trying to figure it out and that I will love you and keep trying to figure it out as long as you need me to. Attachment is a real thing, Dude and I hate so much for you that you didn't learn how to do it when you were supposed to. Its not impossible to catch up. We just have some real work to do.

Your family's case will be heard by the judge in a few weeks. The outcome could change things in a major way. We don't think it will mean you're leaving us anytime soon but we're hoping it gets us one step closer to you being able to live with all three of your sisters in a forever place.

I love you, F and am so glad to celebrate this start of a school year with you. Its going to be a great year!

Love,
Mama

A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Day of Kindergarten

Sweet Sam,
Tomorrow you'll go to Kindergarten. We'll wake up early and put on your uniform (which I'm still not a fan of) and new tennis shoes and hair clips (since your DIY haircut hasn't grown out) and you'll pose with a sign Bubbie made you and pack you up with a unicorn backpack that's as big as you are and head to big school. You're going to Kindergarten at the same school where I went to Kindergarten through 6th grade. You think this is super cool. I think this is basically unimaginable.

Seven years ago tomorrow your Bubbie moved to Columbus. Who would have imagined that seven years later we would be sending our daughter to Kindergarten at Clubview? I wouldn't have believed it!

You are mostly excited about school.(Although recently you told me you didn't need to learn how to read since everyone else can read and can tell you what things say.) Tonight we went for a meeting and to see your classroom. You were so excited to see lots of your friends from pre-K and your soccer team.

Kindergarten is going to teach you a lot. I am so excited about this year and all we have to learn together.

I hope you'll be a good friend and have a good friend. Look for the kids who are left out and be kind.

I hope you learn what it feels like to be proud of something you work really hard on.

I hope you laugh at yourself and tell more jokes but not at the expense of other people.

I hope you'll be patient with kids who learn differently than you do. I also hope you'll be patient with yourself.

I hope you learn that learning new things isn't always easy but it can be really, really fun.

I hope you will stay excited about eating school lunches so we don't have to pack a lunchbox every night. Your great-grandmother Mimi would love this. I hope you can open your milk by yourself and that you have one thing on your tray everyday that you love. I also .hope we don't forget to send lunch money.

I hope your school is a safe place for you to learn and play.

I hope you know what a treat it is to be able to go to your grandparents' house after school everyday. MaeMae and Steve are a tremendous part of the village and don't get enough credit for all they do.

I hope that your eyes don't get stuck when you roll them and that your teacher can match your sass.

I hope that you like playing on the playground with other boys and girls. You've spent a lot of time on that playground with Steve and this will be different.

I hope you respect your teachers and use all the good manners you can muster.

I hope you'll talk to me about what you're doing and learning and feeling at school.

I hope you don't lose your pencil pouch I made you.

I hope you learn more about letters and numbers but not how to spell everything quite yet so Bubbie and I can still spell I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M and you'll be none the wiser.

I hope when you learn more about how unique our family is, it makes you proud to be a part of it.

I asked what you were happy about after the meeting tonight and you said "I am glad I didn't toot in there." So I hope you don't toot at inopportune times.

So many hopes.

More than anything else I hope you always choose kindness. Always. With others. With yourself. Choose kindness.

This is going to be a crazy year for our family, Sam. Hopefully you'll be none the wiser but I've made changes with my work that mean I'm working again in the afternoons and some evenings. Bubbie is finishing her degree this year and her schedule will be all over the place. We're depending on help from lots of folks to make this work. This isn't a perfect world and things are not exactly as I would have hoped they would be. I wish we had had more time this summer for vacation and memory making. I wish I was able to be home every afternoon with you and feed you made from scratch meals for breakfast and dinner. I wish we had time for Pinterest-y snacks. Instead I've got Gogurt and an apple ready for the car ride in the morning and dinner will involve some sort of frozen chicken. Things may not be exactly as I would have planned, but we got this, Kid. Bubbie and I are ready and excited and determined to make this a great school year for all of 7 of us (9 if you count the dog and fish). We're making memories whether we mean to or not. I hope these memories are wonderful and happy and big and grand and full of family and friends and village.

A lot of parents are nervous about sending their kids into the world. I'm not nervous, really. I am excited to watch you grow and learn and am honestly fascinated to see who you're becoming. Out of all the Mamas in the WHOLE WORLD I get to be yours. You're the best gift I've been given.

Happy First Day of Kindergarten, Sweets. You are loved!
Mama

C is 6 months!

C,

Today was a big day.

You’re 6 months old today! You’re such a happy baby. You love to sing and talk to anyone who will listen and smile at everyone. You’re sleeping (for about 6 hours) well and eating like a champ. You can hardly tell you were 6 weeks early. There was an accident in April at daycare that injured your arm but that has barely slowed you down! We spent some time in the hospital and make sure your arm healed and while it hasn’t healed as straight as we would like…it doesn’t seem to bother you at all! We’re working with a physical therapist to make sure you’re back to using your arm as soon as possible!

Today a panel heard your case. The panel is made up of folks from the community who care about foster kids and have special training in understanding the system. I talked to your first mom (Gigi) last night and she said she wanted to make sure to be there so we gave her a ride. While we were there we talked about how much she loves you and how happy she is that you’re healthy and happy. She’s so happy that you’re growing up with Sam. She is so happy that you’re heathy and happy.

While we were at the meeting she let them know she was ready to sign the papers that will make it faster for us to be your parents forever. We left the meeting and went to the office where she could sign the papers. This was a really big deal and a really big decision. Never ever doubt that this was a hard thing for her to do. These papers mean she knows she won’t ever be your mama and be the one to take care of you.

We had to wait a long long time for the papers to be ready and for the right people to be there for her to sign. She held you and fed you and sang you to sleep while we waited. She and I also talked a lot and learned more about each other. After she signed she was very sad and talked about how she knew she made the right decision but it was still very hard. We talked about how her signing those papers doesn’t mean she will never see you again. We still very much want her to know you and for you to grow up knowing who she is. We went and had lunch together so she could have a little longer visit today.

She’s an important part of your story. She’s an important part of our story together.

The more your first mom talked today, the more I realized that you are a miracle. I know, I know…all babies are miracles. Some babies just have beginnings that involve lots of doctors visits, vitamins, scans, buying cribs, choosing car seats, and very planned arrivals. Your first months when Gigi found out about you weren’t like that. It was about this time last year that she told us she was expecting a baby, but it didn’t seem like you would be healthy when you arrived.  There were lots of questions even up until your arrival about how healthy you would be. And here you are! Sound asleep in my lap as I type. Happy and healthy. My prayer is that we remember what a gift you are to our family, our village, and our world. You’ve made our lives crazier, that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t trade a minute!

Speaking of crazy, I’ve got to go unload the dishwasher and clean off the dining room table. We heard today from the lady who is coming back to our house this week to follow-up about your accident and we need to get ready! I'm sure when we think of your first six months we'll remember that these have been some of our craziest days - but also some of our best days!

We love you, C!

Mama and Bubbie

A middle of the night letter to K

Dear K,
Tonight the weight of you was almost more than I could bear.
We’re visiting Poppy and as soon as the jammies came out you announced you wanted to go home to go to bed. You’re not one for traveling.
So hours after your normal bedtime I climbed in the bed with you and Sam and rocked you and sang. Jesus loves the little children. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves Kingston. Jesus loves the little spiders. I’ve got confidence. Joy to the world. All your favorites.
Sam fell asleep by the second song.
As you finally start to give in to sleep your body twitches and your breathing changes. I recognize this from when you were a baby. I laid back.
Your arms and legs draped over me.
I didn’t carry you in my belly so this is as close as our hearts have ever beenn but our hearts have spent lots of nights like this.
The first nine months of your life we went to sleep most nights like this. Usually on the couch watching Gilmore Girls as you wailed from reflux pains.

It was easier then.

The weight of you was less. I mean obviously you weighed less but also we didn’t think you needed us to be your parents forever then. It wasn’t so much. The temporary nature of it made it lighter. Not easier. Just not so heavy.
Your two year and eleven month body is heavy.
We’ve haven’t thought of this as a temporary placement for almost two years.
The last 5 months have been heaviest.
I haven’t been able to take a deep breath. You sleeping on my chest tonight helped me realize that that has been my feeling.

Things in your case took a turn no one saw coming and we’re trying to keep up.

There’s a big meeting this coming Tuesday. A big one. A big decision will be made about whether or not the decision makers want us to adopt you or not. We can’t go to the meeting but we will know the outcome Tuesday. We’re praying hard that those folks who make the decisions think about what’s best for you and for your sister and your first family as they make decisions. We’ve asked everyone who knows you to pray for this too. This makes it a little easier to breathe - to almost be able to take a deep breath.
Your Bubbie and I feel deeply that your best permanent home is with us. This is something we have thought a lot about and prayed a lot about and sought wise council about. We will do everything we can to make this happen. Even if the decision makers don’t agree this week, we’re ready with our response.

One day maybe you’ll read this letter and love traveling so much you'll be surprised you didn’t want to sleep at Poppy’s house. Maybe you will love trucks then and you won’t remember how you want to sing that Jesus loves the little spiders every night. Maybe you’ll be a cool kid and you'll be embarrassed when I tell you how much you drool and toot in your sleep (don’t worry Sam does too)! Or maybe you’ll read it and remember a hint of something about how it felt to be held and rocked to sleep. I hope you read it and realize how deeply we love you and how hard we’ve worked to be able to make you our son. I hope then I’m breathing a little more deeply.

For now, I'm going to finish these words I'm typing in my phone, try to take a picture of you asleep on my chest, and then I’m going to figure out how to lay you down without waking you up and sneak out of this bed because I know how much water you had to drink tonight and not even those nighttime diapers can handle it.

Oh and just know you’re worth it. Whatever weight it means we carry. Don’t ever doubt you are worth it. That’s what parents do.

Love you,
Mama

Happy Birthday, R!

Sweet R,

You are one year old! Happy Birthday!

We had a great time celebrating you recently with friends and family. Lots of people came to wish you well and celebrate you. They brought presents and wishes and love. You had a whole cake just to yourself for the celebration and you ate almost of it!

You’re such a good baby. (We know there is no such thing as a bad baby!) You fit into this family perfectly. You eat well and sleep well. You have a lovey you like to put over your face when you’re going to sleep that seems to be your favorite. You are flexible and easygoing. You love to rock yourself in your car seat and jump in the bouncy exerciser. You scoot yourself around while doing the splits and are trying to figure out crawling. You’re pulling up on some things but aren’t quite sure about that. You’re babbling and trying to make words and love to clap for attention and smiles. You love the bath and playing with the boat toys.

You’re the fifth child we’ve had on their first birthday. There is a bittersweetness to this. I think that first birthdays are more for parents than children. They’re a time when we celebrate parents making it through a year of keeping a little human alive. There are so many “firsts” in that first year. So many questions and so many times you wonder if you’re making the right choices. First birthdays are totally more for adults than they are for babies. They’re a time when adults gather with their friends and family and get a pat-on-the-back and get to take a breath and look at how far they’ve come and celebrate making it. And then that moment is gone and you head straight into the second year. Another year full of “firsts” and questions and wondering but with a little more confidence that it is going to be ok because we made it through the first one.

I am sorry that your mama and daddy didn’t get to celebrate this with you on your first birthday. That’s not the way it is supposed to work. I’m sorry you weren’t with all of your siblings and your grandparents and your great grandparents. I do think that on your birthday they probably all did stop and remember you and wish good things for you – some of them all the way from Mexico! I hope that you felt that love coupled with the love from us. We did get to celebrate with your older sisters on Saturday (your actual birthday) and they were thrilled to see you and give you gifts they chose. We’re making plans for you to see the rest of your mom’s family soon.

We have loved getting to be your mamas for 243 days of your first 365. You’ve done so much growing and learning. You’re healthy now and working hard to catch up on milestones.

A judge will hear your case this week. We don’t expect any big changes to happen anytime soon but we are going to start asking and pushing for them to find a place where you can be with more of your siblings. Your sisters miss you. They are happy when they know you’re happy and being taken care of. It would be good if they could see that every day. You deserve to be in a home where all of the rest of your birthdays can be celebrated with your siblings. 

We’re not sure how much longer you’ll be with us but we will love you and take care of you as long as we need to. Happy birthday, R. I’m glad you were born!

Love,

Mama and Bubbie

Happy Birthday F!

Dear F,

You’re three years old! Happy Birthday! I am glad we got to celebrate with you on your birthday and am excited about celebrating you with family and friends this weekend.

You’ve been with our family for seven months. You’ve grown and changed so much since we met you. You’ve been working hard to learn new words and how to use them. You’ve been learning more about how to have and play with toys. You’re getting used to having some things that are just yours and some things we share. You love getting dressed every day and still exclaim “SOCKS!!!” with the biggest grin every morning when we put them on. You still have a little trouble sleeping all night without waking up upset – but we’re trying lots of things to figure out what you need to be able to rest. We’re also working on speech at special appointments each week and soon you’re going to be able to go on a big school bus to a special class at a big kids school. There you’re going to get more help with communication and catch up on some other skills  and make new friends – but I have a feeling you’re going to be most excited about riding on the bus!

We see your big sisters pretty regularly. They’re doing well in their foster home and are learning and growing too. We’ve had a couple of visits with your older brothers. They’re happy where they are with your great-grandmother. When you’re with them they want to carry you around and make sure you have enough to eat. They love you and care about you. We’ve seen your mom two times since July. She loves you and cares about you too.

We’re not sure how much longer you’ll be with us. We still would like for you and R to be able to permanently be with more of your siblings. You all have lots going on so we’re working to get some of those things settled before we make big changes.

We’re happy you’re a part of our family, F. You’ve taught us so much about resilience and love. You’ve challenged us to in many ways, but you’ve also loved us in many ways. We hope the year that's ahead of you is your best year yet!

Happy Birthday, buddy!

Love,
Mama

First Letter to Baby C

Dear Baby C,

Welcome to our family! Your arrival was quite a surprise and definitely beyond what we could have hoped or imagined. Your first mother and aunt messaged me a couple of days after you were born to let me know you had arrived. Although you were born about 6 weeks too soon and came in an emergency sort of way, you’re healthy and beautiful in every way. You came home weighing 5.5 pounds and yesterday the doctor said you are already up to 6 pounds 11 ounces! Your Bubbie and I were able to bring you home from the hospital 10 days after you were born. We had to spend some extra time with you in the NICU to make sure we were ready for you and you were ready for us. You’ve been home for 11 days now and have fit right in.

One of the first things I whispered in your ears was that we have a crazy beautiful family and I was happy to welcome you to it. We’ve heard from your first mom that she’s hoping you can stay with us and be a forever part of our family. She wants you to be in a stable family and grow up with your sister. We want that too. We have court January 5 and will know more about what is going on after that date.

Speaking of your sister…Sam is so excited you’re here. She had a little cold when you first came home so she had to wait a few days to be able to hold you. She was patient and was SO excited when she finally got to hold you and kiss your hands. She knows you have the same Gigi. She doesn’t quite understand all that that means but she knows you are her sister and she loves you. Most every night when I ask her her three special questions she says what she’s most looking forward to about tomorrow is holding and seeing you. When I ask her what she wants to teach you to do she says “clap and jump on the jump-o-line.” Santa brought us a trampoline for Christmas. We’ll try to take good care of it so she can teach you to jump on it when you’re ready.

You’ve also met your other siblings in our home. K loves you too. He recognizes when you’re in the room and wonders where you are when he can’t see you. He loves to kiss you. He wants to give you toys to play with but we’re helping him know you’re not quite ready for toys. He has been with us since he was a tiny baby. We hope to adopt him soon and make him a forever part of our family. We’ve hit a roadblock with that process and there are a lot of uncertain things about that. We’re still working and praying and waiting to see what happens.

F is less concerned about you than K is. R is F’s baby sister and she definitely knows you’re here. You’re her (and our) roommate. She’s still not sure how she feels about having to go all night without a bottle when you get two during the night. She’s been pretty chill about sharing our attention though. We think you’re going to get along well. We’re not sure how much longer R&F will be in our home. They have lots of other siblings (and one on the way) and we’re hoping that soon they can move to a place where they can grow up with more of their biological siblings.

C, we have a very strong village that has worked hard to welcome you! We’ve had extra hands around to help and several friends to come stay with you as we had to run errands or work. Friends have brought meals and stayed for baby cuddles. Others have sent gift cards for meals or groceries. Other have dropped off boxes of diapers and wipes and have made sure we have clothes that fit you. Our family helped make Christmas happen even in the chaos of five kids.

One thing that we know for sure is that babies rarely come to us when it is easy and convenient. We weren’t entirely sure we would be able to bring you home. You came to us in a season of waiting that is all about one particular baby. That baby had an especially strong mother who wasn’t expecting him at first either. Now, I’m fully aware you’re not baby Jesus (I’m pretty sure the Son of God wouldn’t create so many dirty diapers) but you’re just as much a sign of new life and hope for us. I’m sure one day I’ll tell you more about it, but we were hoping for a new baby soon in our lives and you just might have been the answer to that hope. We love you baby girl and are delighted to be the ones that brought you home and get to introduce you to the world. We do indeed have a crazy beautiful family and are so glad you’re a part of it.

Love you,
Mama