Adoption Day

Sweet Sam,

I’ve waited 1,092 days to be able to write it this letter and now I can! We celebrated your adoption day on October 13 and now you’re our daughter forever and ever.

When we started fostering we imagined that one day we might be able to adopt a child through foster care. We anticipated it might take years to meet the child that would be forever ours. You were our third placement. We only were licensed for about 2 months before we met you. So our waiting was not waiting to get to meet you – it was waiting to get to be your parents forever. And it was worth it. 

Along the way someone told me that trusting God means also trusting God’s timing. That was really really hard sometimes but we trusted and we see now the beautiful parts of trusting that timing.

You’ve taught me so much in these years of being your mom.

From you I’ve learned that nurture matters and that nature matters and we can never downplay the role that either plays in our lives and growth.

You’ve taught me that being a mom is the most beautiful and meaningful thing I can ever do. You’ve also taught me that being a mom is the most frustrating and exhausting thing I can ever do.

Your first family taught me that the world and its problems are complex and that everyone has a backstory that is often filled with so much hurt and pain I can’t even imagine it. They’ve also taught me what sacrificial love looks like. From your first mom I learned what it really looks like to make a decision based on what’s best for your child even when it hurts your heart so bad it breaks into a million pieces.

This process taught me to trust God more than I trust other people, more than I trust my own logic, and more than I trust my own ability to plan and control.

Becoming your mom has helped me learn to take risks even when they don’t make sense to anyone else around us. Becoming your mom helped me learn how to live in and even to lean into the unknown.

Being your mom has taught me that love always wins and that love is always always always worth it – even when it hurts.

It has taken me a couple of weeks to be able to write this for several reasons – partially things have been really busy for us as a family with lots of changes going on. I also hoped we would have some pictures soon from your adoption day we could share – and maybe we’ll add those when we get them. But I think its also taken me awhile because it needed to really sink in.

When mommies have babies in their tummies they have months to get used to the idea that they’ll be a mother. I didn’t get to have you in my tummy so I missed that time. I’ve been your Mama for 3 years so I could see how some people might think I had all that time to get used to it. But the hard part about those three years was that as much as I was your Mama and loving you and taking care of you – I always had this little voice in my head and heart that kept reminding me I might not get to be your Mama forever. When the judge signed the adoption papers, that little voice was silenced. It has to be quiet now and that’s what my head and heart needed some time to get used to.

Even though I’ve gotten used to the idea in the past couple of weeks, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being amazed by it. I get to be your mom. Bubbie gets to be your mom. Out of everyone else in the world we get to be your parents and help and watch you grown up. This seems like a big job. You’re a super strong willed independent little girl. But just as we trusted God with the risk taking and the timing, we will trust God to help us know how to best be your parents. We have no doubt that you are meant for our family. 

You asked me this week if we could get another baby in our house soon. I love that you're growing up knowing that babies are welcome and taken care of in our house. I am so excited that now I can tell you that other babies that come might have to someday go - but that you get to stay forever. 

I'm honored to be your Mama. 

I love you. 

Mama

We finally have a date!

Sweet S,

I haven’t written here in a long time. My Timehop on my phone is full of reminder of how I used to do this more often. I am grateful for those days and the ways I recorded your first months with us. But time goes on and things are different now. As you grow your milestones are more spread out and as we grow together the days blend and blur together so that months pass and things just seem normal. Your time with us now is measured in years and not months. I am grateful for this change.

About a two weeks ago Mr. John at church told us he thought we had an adoption date. This was such good news and we’ve waited so long for us that it has taken some time to sink in.  So – on October 13^th we will go to a fancy room in a big building and a judge will sign a piece of paper that will make you my daughter forever and Bubbie’s daughter forever. In your head and heart you’ve always been our daughter so this day may not make sense to you – but as you get older you’ll learn how big of a deal this is. It means that we won’t have to ask permission to take you out of the state or cut your hair. It means that if you get sick and go to the hospital the only people I have to call are people in our village – and not case workers. It means that no one will come to our house every month to check on you. It means you can finally be baptized. It means you’ll have a new name – a new middle name and a new last name. It means the state will no longer pay for your daycare and give us a clothing allowance for you (bummer!). It means I can post pictures and videos of you on social media without your face covered and your school can take pictures of you and share them. It means a lot of things – some big and some small but some things won’t change at all. For the most part our lives on October 14 won’t be very different than they were on October 12^th. I’ll still be your mama and you’ll still be my Sam. This just all makes it official so everyone will know.

On October 13 of this year you will have been alive for 1309 days. You’ve will have lived 1092 of those days with us and for many of those days we’ve been pretty sure that this is how things would turn out.  October 13^th won’t be your “gotcha” day. We recognize that happened years ago. October 13 will be your adoption day. The day your last name will match ours. The day everybody else becomes sure of what we’ve known for a while…that love is love. That in this broken world there is hope and grace and beauty and redemption everywhere we look. That we have to leave room for things we think are unimaginable. That we can do hard things. That you are wanted and chosen and cherished. That you are worth it. That in our joy and happiness we know your first mom’s heart still misses you. That our family is bigger and better because you’re in it. That you and your first family have changed the way we think about family. That it has taken, is taking, and will take a village to raise you and we have the very best village around.

I can’t wait until October 13^th. We’re going to the courthouse! A few days later we’ll celebrate the adoption with our church family and then have a big party with our village. Maybe one day we’ll get to go to Disney World to celebrate. I can’t wait.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

Mama

A Watched Pot Never Boils.

We're waiting on another placement and it is all I can think about. S is doing well. Loving being three and enjoying swimming lessons this week and last. K is growing and changing everyday and is almost walking! We have court again in July for K and are getting 100% mixed messages from DFCS about what to expect and what might happen. So we wait and see and pray and love in the meantime!

We like having three kids but were told we had to wait until S's adoption was final until we accepted another placement. So we've been waiting. The adoption is taking longer than we thought (but everything is with the judge now and we're literally just waiting on a date!)

While I was out of town last week with no cell reception, I missed a call from the placement person for our county. When I got her message days later my heart soared and sank at once. The county had an huge influx of babies in one week and they were desperate. She was calling and willing to bend the rules and let us have another baby in this waiting time. But we missed it. I don't know who the baby was they were calling about, but I can't help but wonder.

I joked with friends at a foster parent training this weekend that we won't get a baby now because now would be a good time. We've typically only gotten placements when something crazy is happening and it could be potentially disastrous timing. Right now would be an okay time to adjust and get settled in - so of course it won't happen!

I read a blog post recently that briefly catalogued the placements that family had and it made me want to do the same. I'm writing this primarily for myself - but isn't that what most blogs are anyway?!?

Our first call for a placement came in the middle of the night. Literally. There was an eight month old baby girl who was coming to our county from another county. She had been in the care of relatives there but needed to come into care officially in our county. We never learned why this had to happen in the middle of the night, but in the middle of the night is not the time to ask questions. We said yes and got up and waited for her to arrive. C turned out to be seven months old and was tiny, high strung, and blonde! She made us parents. We took her to the beach a couple of weeks after we got her on a trip we'd planned with Susie's parents. She stayed with us about six weeks and then went back to live with the relatives/family friends officially.

The next call also came in the early early morning. State troopers had pulled over a drunk driver and there were two little boys in the truck. We said yes and went to meet them where they had been pulled over. This saved time and DFCS trying to figure out car seats (they hadn't been in carseats in the truck). J was four and B was eleven months. We didn't learn this or their real names until after they left. We had them for just three days. Long enough for DFCS to sort out what happened. The drunk driver hadn't been a parent so the boys were cleared to go home with mom. It was the first time we had two kids at once. It was wild and busy and hard because we had no real info about the boys until after they left!

The next call came just a few days after they left. Two more boys. Brothers. 3 and 5. Susie had been at the DFCS office earlier in the day and had seen them come in. Something didn't feel right. We didn't think we were ready for two at once again - especially two old enough to really ask questions about what was happening. They seemed like too much for us at that point. Not a good fit. We said no. The first time you say no is so so hard but we knew it was right.

The next call came on a Thursday afternoon. The police had a little girl who had been at home when her parents were arrested for fighting each other and repeatedly calling 911. They told us she was nine months old. Susie got to DFCS first. I met her there as she was getting to know S. They gave us a diaper bag that had one diaper and "little barrel" sugar water drinks. S turned out to really be seven months old. She had obviously been left alone in an infant carrier most of her seven months. The following Thursday we drove to Washington DC for friends' wedding celebrations and took her. It was a good thing she was a chill traveler. It was an adventure for sure! This summer S will become our forever daughter.

Months later, we decided we were ready for two kids again. Susie and S were out of town at her parents and I was home alone getting over Hand Foot and Mouth Disease! The call came for a three month old girl who would likely be short term. There was some confusion about which relative was supposed to have the baby and they needed a placement just until that was sorted out. I called and friend and said "can you help because I can't do this by myself still sick?!" She said yes so I said yes. They worker showed up with a six week old baby boy! We had J for 16 months. When he left us he went to his grandmother. He is the only babe to leave us that we still don't feel good about. He has some special needs we were concerned about being met. We hadn't had any contact for months and randomly his mother called me last week. We'll see what happens but we would love to see him again!

Our fifth placement is K who we still have. Susie and I attended a foster parent training on Saturday and the placement person made a comment about the high number of kids in care and reaching a new point of need when "there was a baby ready to go home from the hospital and no one to take the baby." After the training I told her that we had never had three kids and didn't really have a place for a baby to sleep other than the dining room - but that if she needed us to we could take that baby. We just felt like it would be okay! At work on Monday I got a call letting me know to come get the baby girl! Literally on the way home from work - with nothing except the car seat we were using for J -  I stopped and hospital and picked up K - who was very much a boy. He was the most difficult babe we've had with horrible reflux and colic. But now - he's a super charming 14 month old who is an important part of our family. He came into care because he already had a sister in care. She was in a different foster home that couldn't take newborns.

The next call came about another baby boy! He just needed a place for a few weeks. We said no - we didn't think we could do four kids. (Our friends said yes and he's still at their house! Few weeks turned into nearly a year!)

Our 6th placement was B - our Christmas kid. We got a call a few days before Christmas about a kid who was coming from another county. His mom lived in our county but had been shoplifting in another part of the state while he was with her. When she was arrested, there was no one to come get him, so he was put into care in the other county and transferred here. He was with us for seven days while things were sorted out for him to go home with mom. Things were really delayed by courts and offices being closed for the holidays. It was a wild holiday.

Our 7th placement - 8th kid - was Baby J. We got a call about this baby on a Thursday afternoon (have I mentioned Thursdays used to be my super busiest days at work??). There was a baby in the NICU that was ready to go home. He was coming into care because he had a sibling already in care. We didn't get him until almost a week later because we had to go pass all the tests to be able to bring him home since he was so small. J was with us for almost four months and then went to live with an aunt. We still communicate with them and see pictures from time to time.

Who will be next?

Letter for K - Things Change!

Dear K,

We had an interesting meeting yesterday afternoon. We met your case worker and your sister’s foster mom at DFCS. We thought the meeting was to sit together and schedule transitional visits for you to move to Ms. L’s house. But the first thing the case worker told us was that she had talked to folks about the case and they wanted us to consider adopting you! They think it will be best for Ms. L to keep your sister and for us to keep you. This was really shocking for us! We’re not really sure yet how to feel.

Of course we love you and want to be your parents as long as we can be. We just hadn’t been letting ourselves believe it would be forever.

We’re not sure why DFCS isn’t going to push for you and your sister to be in the same home. I think they feel like since you haven’t ever lived together it is less important. Ms. L. and me and Bubbie talked about things we could do to make sure you and your sister know each other if this is how things end up.

Being foster parents – and being your parents – means we’re having to ask ourselves questions we don’t know how to answer. What’s best for you? What’s best for us? What’s best for your sister and Ms. L? How much does biology matter? Should the most important thing be getting the two of you in a home together? How do we best fight for you? Will you regret one day not growing up every day with your sister? Will we regret not fighting for that? Does there even need to be a fight?

We know your case comes back before the judge in July or August and after that DFCS is 90% sure TPR will be filed and you’ll be adopted by a non-relative. We are happy to be considered as a great adoptive fit for you. We are the only parents you’ve known. Our home is home for you.

My heart is happy and cautious. My head is cautious and concerned. We’re committed to figuring this thing out together. You are worth fighting for kiddo. Your Bubbie and I will continue to pray and think and talk to others and pray and talk together about making these choices.

There are a lot of things that we don’t know the answer to today. But there are things we know for sure:

We love God and God gives us the strength and wisdom and calling and hope to be able to do this.

We love each other and love that fostering is a part of our family.

We love you. And we will continue to love you in the very best ways we can figure out.

Love,

Meggie

2 BIG days!

Dear S,

We’ve had a BIG two days.

Yesterday marked the end of your bio father's period where he could change his mind about surrendering his rights. No one expected him to change his mind. But I did breathe a small sigh of relief when the end of the business day got there. He decided 10 days ago that he really wanted to make your adoption happen as quickly and as smoothly as possible and went and told the people at DFCS. You should know that he cried about it. He cried and cried. He also called you to hear your voice on the phone. You talked to him for a minute and told him about your day at school. When you told him “bye” he cried some more. He loves you, Sweets, and he really wants what is best for you.

We saw your entire first family last night. We met them at a park to celebrate your birthday. Your first mom, Gigi, and bio father were there. Each of your first grandmas was there. Your Aunt K was there with some of your cousins. And some of your half-siblings were there.

There was cake and sausages and lots of presents. You let everyone play with you as you ran and stayed on the swings forever. You even went down the tallest slide with no fear. Your bio dad hasn’t seen you since you were 10 months old. He couldn’t  believe how beautiful and smart and brave you are. He told me over and over and over that he appreciates us taking care of you and knows you’re in the right place. He might be moving soon to be near some of his other children but he wants to always hear from you and be able to watch you grow up. We’ve told him this is ok as long as he is a safe and stable person for you. He knows you don’t need any drama.

Your first mom was happy to see you too. She says you’ve gotten more beautiful since we saw her in January.

A lot of people don’t understand why we spent two hours in the park last night with people who seem to be really different than us. We spent that time together because we love you. Your Bubbie and I don’t want to ever be dishonest about where you came from or how you came to us. We know you will have questions and we promise and answer them as honestly as we can – even if that means the answer is “I don’t know.” Right now we tell you that the people we met in the park are a part of your family. We know this explanation won’t be enough for you in the years to come, but we’re ready to answer the questions when you’re ready to ask them. There are lots of kinds of families and lots of kinds of love. We can’t have too much of either.

If yesterday was a big day, today is even bigger! This afternoon Bubbie and I met some important people at the DFCS office and signed some important papers. The papers said that we are agreeing to adopt you and that DFCS wants us to adopt you. We’ll take these papers to our lawyer tomorrow who will take them to a judge. Then a judge will call us to meet him and we will go and he will make it official. You will be completely and officially ours.

In your little heart and mind right how you don’t know anything except being ours and I am thankful for that. But as you get older we will tell you the stories of these days. Stories about your first family. Stories about case workers and lawyers. Stories about signing our names on LOTS of papers. Stories about taking a selfie in the elevator with a simple black binder that holds all kinds of official information. Stories about how we’ve waited and prayed and wanted this day to happen for so long. Stories about how all of this makes you officially our kid.

Its been a wild ride kid. A wild 901 days. I’ve been your Mama for a while now according to everyone who really matters but I can’t wait to take you to the court house and hear a judge tell us its official!

Love,

Mama

Dear K, Loving a Child That is Leaving

Dear K,

We found out last week you will more than likely be leaving us in the coming months to go live with your sister in the foster home where she has been since you were born. Your sister is S’s age so we’ve said all along that she’s been preparing you well for having an older sister! At first we thought your sister might be moving to our house. It seemed big and scary and overwhelming but also really important that you two be in the same home as you get older. Especially if it looks like you won’t be going back to your birth Mama. (Nothing is for sure decided on that front. The only thing that is certain is that she has a lot to do to be able to parent you both and that will likely take a long time for her to get it done.) As it turns out, the foster mom who has your sister is willing to welcome you into her home too. She loves your sister and recognizes the transition for her at her age will likely be harder than moving you at your age.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how best to love you right now. How do I love a child that is leaving?

First of all, you should know that nothing changes about my love. I still love you and am committed to taking the very best care of you that I can as long as I can.

Second, I am committed to making the transition that is coming as healthy as possible for you and your sister. Family reunification is important  - even if that is “reunifying” siblings who only know each other through one hour a week visits.

Third, I am going to remember that balance matters. It is tempting to indulge you and lean towards spoiling you a little. When you want to take a bottle with you to bed for instance – I could say to myself “He’ll only be here a few more weeks” and let it go. But I know that’s not what you need in the long run. You’ve just started in-home occupational therapy to help with some eating issues. It would be really easy to not make those visits happen and just push it off onto your next home to deal with. But instead I’m freezing you baby food pellets and introducing you to as many textures as I can think of, per the instructions of the Occupational Therapist we met last week. There may be extra hugs and snuggles and smiles your way. You don’t seem to mind being rocked these days and being reminded of the song I have sang to you every night since you were five days old… But who couldn’t use more songs and snuggles and hugs!

I’m preparing you to leave by trying to keep everything the same. It is one of the crazy contradictions of foster care. I want stability and normalcy for you and for all of us. We know the transition is coming but we have time to get ready. When we start the transition you’ll gradually start spending more time at their house and less time at ours until you spend all your time there. Even though we know this is coming, we don’t really need to change anything about today.

You’re the first babe I got to bring home from the hospital. You’re by far the most difficult kiddo (health wise) we’ve had! You’ll always have a special place in our hearts for those reasons. If we could we would love you and welcome you into our family forever. We are open to that. But we also know that being with your sister is important and if we can help make that happen for everyone in a happy and healthy way, we will gladly help.

So, Little Man, we are not going to spoil you rotten because we know you’re leaving. We’re not going to put off the hard work of getting you where you should be with milestones because you’re leaving. We’re not going to stop paying attention to you and start distancing ourselves from you because you’re leaving. We’re going to keep on loving you. One day – one hour – one minute – and one frozen baby food pellet at a time! Like our song says “I’ve got confidence My Lord will see us through…no matter what the day may bring…”

I love you, K.

Meggie

One more week!

Dear Baby J,

We thought you would be leaving us today to go live with an aunt. We learned last night they’re not quite ready for you yet so it looks like we have another week to love you. You’re growing so much every day. Dr. Tom says you’ve gained an average of an ounce a day since we’ve had you and that is outstanding! (If it were only as easy to lose an ounce a day I would be delighted!)

You’re holding your head up and looking around more and more. You’re staying awake a little long between each feeding. We’ve had a couple of instances of projectile spit-up that we would like to not repeat – but mostly you’re happy and healthy. You have grey-blue eyes still and have the best hair! You’re going to be quite a handsome fella!

It looks like our time together will be ending soon but we hope to stay in touch with your family and be able to watch you grow from a distance. We’ve learned so much about babies and caring for the smallest among us by parenting you. We’ve also learned a lot about ourselves and our family by having you around. We’re thankful for the village we have who support us and love us and help us take care of you.

We love you little guy!

Love,

Meggie