Dear K, Loving a Child That is Leaving

Dear K,

We found out last week you will more than likely be leaving us in the coming months to go live with your sister in the foster home where she has been since you were born. Your sister is S’s age so we’ve said all along that she’s been preparing you well for having an older sister! At first we thought your sister might be moving to our house. It seemed big and scary and overwhelming but also really important that you two be in the same home as you get older. Especially if it looks like you won’t be going back to your birth Mama. (Nothing is for sure decided on that front. The only thing that is certain is that she has a lot to do to be able to parent you both and that will likely take a long time for her to get it done.) As it turns out, the foster mom who has your sister is willing to welcome you into her home too. She loves your sister and recognizes the transition for her at her age will likely be harder than moving you at your age.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how best to love you right now. How do I love a child that is leaving?

First of all, you should know that nothing changes about my love. I still love you and am committed to taking the very best care of you that I can as long as I can.

Second, I am committed to making the transition that is coming as healthy as possible for you and your sister. Family reunification is important  - even if that is “reunifying” siblings who only know each other through one hour a week visits.

Third, I am going to remember that balance matters. It is tempting to indulge you and lean towards spoiling you a little. When you want to take a bottle with you to bed for instance – I could say to myself “He’ll only be here a few more weeks” and let it go. But I know that’s not what you need in the long run. You’ve just started in-home occupational therapy to help with some eating issues. It would be really easy to not make those visits happen and just push it off onto your next home to deal with. But instead I’m freezing you baby food pellets and introducing you to as many textures as I can think of, per the instructions of the Occupational Therapist we met last week. There may be extra hugs and snuggles and smiles your way. You don’t seem to mind being rocked these days and being reminded of the song I have sang to you every night since you were five days old… But who couldn’t use more songs and snuggles and hugs!

I’m preparing you to leave by trying to keep everything the same. It is one of the crazy contradictions of foster care. I want stability and normalcy for you and for all of us. We know the transition is coming but we have time to get ready. When we start the transition you’ll gradually start spending more time at their house and less time at ours until you spend all your time there. Even though we know this is coming, we don’t really need to change anything about today.

You’re the first babe I got to bring home from the hospital. You’re by far the most difficult kiddo (health wise) we’ve had! You’ll always have a special place in our hearts for those reasons. If we could we would love you and welcome you into our family forever. We are open to that. But we also know that being with your sister is important and if we can help make that happen for everyone in a happy and healthy way, we will gladly help.

So, Little Man, we are not going to spoil you rotten because we know you’re leaving. We’re not going to put off the hard work of getting you where you should be with milestones because you’re leaving. We’re not going to stop paying attention to you and start distancing ourselves from you because you’re leaving. We’re going to keep on loving you. One day – one hour – one minute – and one frozen baby food pellet at a time! Like our song says “I’ve got confidence My Lord will see us through…no matter what the day may bring…”

I love you, K.

Meggie