Letter for K - Things Change!

Dear K,

We had an interesting meeting yesterday afternoon. We met your case worker and your sister’s foster mom at DFCS. We thought the meeting was to sit together and schedule transitional visits for you to move to Ms. L’s house. But the first thing the case worker told us was that she had talked to folks about the case and they wanted us to consider adopting you! They think it will be best for Ms. L to keep your sister and for us to keep you. This was really shocking for us! We’re not really sure yet how to feel.

Of course we love you and want to be your parents as long as we can be. We just hadn’t been letting ourselves believe it would be forever.

We’re not sure why DFCS isn’t going to push for you and your sister to be in the same home. I think they feel like since you haven’t ever lived together it is less important. Ms. L. and me and Bubbie talked about things we could do to make sure you and your sister know each other if this is how things end up.

Being foster parents – and being your parents – means we’re having to ask ourselves questions we don’t know how to answer. What’s best for you? What’s best for us? What’s best for your sister and Ms. L? How much does biology matter? Should the most important thing be getting the two of you in a home together? How do we best fight for you? Will you regret one day not growing up every day with your sister? Will we regret not fighting for that? Does there even need to be a fight?

We know your case comes back before the judge in July or August and after that DFCS is 90% sure TPR will be filed and you’ll be adopted by a non-relative. We are happy to be considered as a great adoptive fit for you. We are the only parents you’ve known. Our home is home for you.

My heart is happy and cautious. My head is cautious and concerned. We’re committed to figuring this thing out together. You are worth fighting for kiddo. Your Bubbie and I will continue to pray and think and talk to others and pray and talk together about making these choices.

There are a lot of things that we don’t know the answer to today. But there are things we know for sure:

We love God and God gives us the strength and wisdom and calling and hope to be able to do this.

We love each other and love that fostering is a part of our family.

We love you. And we will continue to love you in the very best ways we can figure out.

Love,

Meggie

2 BIG days!

Dear S,

We’ve had a BIG two days.

Yesterday marked the end of your bio father's period where he could change his mind about surrendering his rights. No one expected him to change his mind. But I did breathe a small sigh of relief when the end of the business day got there. He decided 10 days ago that he really wanted to make your adoption happen as quickly and as smoothly as possible and went and told the people at DFCS. You should know that he cried about it. He cried and cried. He also called you to hear your voice on the phone. You talked to him for a minute and told him about your day at school. When you told him “bye” he cried some more. He loves you, Sweets, and he really wants what is best for you.

We saw your entire first family last night. We met them at a park to celebrate your birthday. Your first mom, Gigi, and bio father were there. Each of your first grandmas was there. Your Aunt K was there with some of your cousins. And some of your half-siblings were there.

There was cake and sausages and lots of presents. You let everyone play with you as you ran and stayed on the swings forever. You even went down the tallest slide with no fear. Your bio dad hasn’t seen you since you were 10 months old. He couldn’t  believe how beautiful and smart and brave you are. He told me over and over and over that he appreciates us taking care of you and knows you’re in the right place. He might be moving soon to be near some of his other children but he wants to always hear from you and be able to watch you grow up. We’ve told him this is ok as long as he is a safe and stable person for you. He knows you don’t need any drama.

Your first mom was happy to see you too. She says you’ve gotten more beautiful since we saw her in January.

A lot of people don’t understand why we spent two hours in the park last night with people who seem to be really different than us. We spent that time together because we love you. Your Bubbie and I don’t want to ever be dishonest about where you came from or how you came to us. We know you will have questions and we promise and answer them as honestly as we can – even if that means the answer is “I don’t know.” Right now we tell you that the people we met in the park are a part of your family. We know this explanation won’t be enough for you in the years to come, but we’re ready to answer the questions when you’re ready to ask them. There are lots of kinds of families and lots of kinds of love. We can’t have too much of either.

If yesterday was a big day, today is even bigger! This afternoon Bubbie and I met some important people at the DFCS office and signed some important papers. The papers said that we are agreeing to adopt you and that DFCS wants us to adopt you. We’ll take these papers to our lawyer tomorrow who will take them to a judge. Then a judge will call us to meet him and we will go and he will make it official. You will be completely and officially ours.

In your little heart and mind right how you don’t know anything except being ours and I am thankful for that. But as you get older we will tell you the stories of these days. Stories about your first family. Stories about case workers and lawyers. Stories about signing our names on LOTS of papers. Stories about taking a selfie in the elevator with a simple black binder that holds all kinds of official information. Stories about how we’ve waited and prayed and wanted this day to happen for so long. Stories about how all of this makes you officially our kid.

Its been a wild ride kid. A wild 901 days. I’ve been your Mama for a while now according to everyone who really matters but I can’t wait to take you to the court house and hear a judge tell us its official!

Love,

Mama

Dear K, Loving a Child That is Leaving

Dear K,

We found out last week you will more than likely be leaving us in the coming months to go live with your sister in the foster home where she has been since you were born. Your sister is S’s age so we’ve said all along that she’s been preparing you well for having an older sister! At first we thought your sister might be moving to our house. It seemed big and scary and overwhelming but also really important that you two be in the same home as you get older. Especially if it looks like you won’t be going back to your birth Mama. (Nothing is for sure decided on that front. The only thing that is certain is that she has a lot to do to be able to parent you both and that will likely take a long time for her to get it done.) As it turns out, the foster mom who has your sister is willing to welcome you into her home too. She loves your sister and recognizes the transition for her at her age will likely be harder than moving you at your age.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how best to love you right now. How do I love a child that is leaving?

First of all, you should know that nothing changes about my love. I still love you and am committed to taking the very best care of you that I can as long as I can.

Second, I am committed to making the transition that is coming as healthy as possible for you and your sister. Family reunification is important  - even if that is “reunifying” siblings who only know each other through one hour a week visits.

Third, I am going to remember that balance matters. It is tempting to indulge you and lean towards spoiling you a little. When you want to take a bottle with you to bed for instance – I could say to myself “He’ll only be here a few more weeks” and let it go. But I know that’s not what you need in the long run. You’ve just started in-home occupational therapy to help with some eating issues. It would be really easy to not make those visits happen and just push it off onto your next home to deal with. But instead I’m freezing you baby food pellets and introducing you to as many textures as I can think of, per the instructions of the Occupational Therapist we met last week. There may be extra hugs and snuggles and smiles your way. You don’t seem to mind being rocked these days and being reminded of the song I have sang to you every night since you were five days old… But who couldn’t use more songs and snuggles and hugs!

I’m preparing you to leave by trying to keep everything the same. It is one of the crazy contradictions of foster care. I want stability and normalcy for you and for all of us. We know the transition is coming but we have time to get ready. When we start the transition you’ll gradually start spending more time at their house and less time at ours until you spend all your time there. Even though we know this is coming, we don’t really need to change anything about today.

You’re the first babe I got to bring home from the hospital. You’re by far the most difficult kiddo (health wise) we’ve had! You’ll always have a special place in our hearts for those reasons. If we could we would love you and welcome you into our family forever. We are open to that. But we also know that being with your sister is important and if we can help make that happen for everyone in a happy and healthy way, we will gladly help.

So, Little Man, we are not going to spoil you rotten because we know you’re leaving. We’re not going to put off the hard work of getting you where you should be with milestones because you’re leaving. We’re not going to stop paying attention to you and start distancing ourselves from you because you’re leaving. We’re going to keep on loving you. One day – one hour – one minute – and one frozen baby food pellet at a time! Like our song says “I’ve got confidence My Lord will see us through…no matter what the day may bring…”

I love you, K.

Meggie

One more week!

Dear Baby J,

We thought you would be leaving us today to go live with an aunt. We learned last night they’re not quite ready for you yet so it looks like we have another week to love you. You’re growing so much every day. Dr. Tom says you’ve gained an average of an ounce a day since we’ve had you and that is outstanding! (If it were only as easy to lose an ounce a day I would be delighted!)

You’re holding your head up and looking around more and more. You’re staying awake a little long between each feeding. We’ve had a couple of instances of projectile spit-up that we would like to not repeat – but mostly you’re happy and healthy. You have grey-blue eyes still and have the best hair! You’re going to be quite a handsome fella!

It looks like our time together will be ending soon but we hope to stay in touch with your family and be able to watch you grow from a distance. We’ve learned so much about babies and caring for the smallest among us by parenting you. We’ve also learned a lot about ourselves and our family by having you around. We’re thankful for the village we have who support us and love us and help us take care of you.

We love you little guy!

Love,

Meggie

Happy Birthday, Sweet S!

Dear Sweet S,

You are three years old today! We will celebrate with friends and family this weekend but we celebrated all day today too. “Sah” was here when you woke up and we sang Happy Birthday to you. You had donuts on the way to school for breakfast, had a special outfit to wear, and I brought treats for your class after nap. You were excited for Sah and me to be at your school and we were glad to be there. We had big cupcakes which you and your friends enjoyed. We had a special dinner out with Mae Mae, Steve, Sah, Lola, and Aunt Pissy. You got to ride home in Mae Mae’s car and talked them into stopping for both bananas and ice cream on the way home.

I wish I could tell you about the day you were born. I didn’t get to be there. Another woman saw you first, heard your first cries, gave you your first bath, and changed your first diapers. There are a lot of first that you and I have shared together since then, but those very first firsts I missed.  I’ve seen pictures of that day and what I do know is that you were born into a family that loved you. There we lots of people who came to the hospital to see you. Your GiGi was SO happy you were born and you were healthy. Grover was glad to have a daughter. Your older brothers and sisters were delighted with you. Your cousins and aunts and uncles came to celebrate. The day you were born was a really really big deal.

Your first birthday we got to celebrate with you! You had been living in our house for about  6 months. We celebrated with lots of friends and family in the front yard at our old house. Celebrating your birthday at that house is one of my favorite memories. We had hot dogs and hamburgers and a cake I made. We had bright decorations and lots of fun.

Your second birthday seems like it was just last week. On your actual 2^nd birthday we were out of town celebrating a wedding with friends so we had your birthday party a little late. You were really into Mexican food so we had your party at a Mexican restaurant. You loved the balloons, cake, burritos, and presents! Lots of friends and family were there with us to celebrate.

This year we will another party at our new house. Bubbie and I are busy making plans and are excited to have some other children at this party for you to play with. We hope you will have a great time!

Birthdays are times we celebrate life. We celebrate you living another year. We celebrate the life you bring to our family and our world. We celebrate us making it another year as your parents. This foster thing we’re doing together means we have lots of “anniversaries” or special days we celebrate. Your birthday is a big one. On this day I do think about GiGi and how much she loves you. You brought and still bring light and life to her world too. I imagine this day is hard for her but I know she celebrates too. I thank God for her and how she made a really hard decision to share your life with us.

 

Your third year of life was a wild ride. You’re growing and learning every day. You are so smart. You’re kind to babies and old people. You are busy all the time figuring things out. You love dressing up and baby dolls. You’re a quite good big sister and mommy to your babies. You are a great eater and have almost mastered potty training. You love to sing and have started to make up new songs. You’re making friends at school and learning how to be kind and sweet. You like to count and prefer numbers over letters or colors. You still want to everything yourself if at all possible. It is a delight and joy to watch you becoming your own person.

I can’t wait to see what this year brings us, Sweet Girl. I hope it brings finalization with your adoption. I hope it brings growth and health. I hope it brings joy and adventure. Happy Birthday, S! I am so glad you were born and that I get to be your Mama.

Love, Mama

Dear Baby J

Dear Baby J,

You are by far the smallest baby I have ever seen or held or cared for in real life. You came into this world two months early and needed to spend some extra time in the hospital letting your body catch up. You came home with us on January 11 and we are loving having you! (We spent the previous weekend going back and forth to the hospital learning how to care for you and getting to know you.) We are sure sad you had to spend this time in the hospital  but we do appreciate the schedule they have you on.

Right now you basically sleep for 4 hours, wake up, get changed, eat, and go back to sleep. You are wanting to stay awake a little more each time but mostly you’re just a sleepy head! But that’s ok! Without a doubt it is what you need to be doing! You’ve gained an ounce a day since you’ve been with us, are keeping your jaundice numbers down, and maintaining your body temp like a champ. The doctor says everything is as it should be.

S already calls you “my baby” and wants to smother you with kisses. K is a little suspicious of you drinking out of bottles that look a lot like his. You’re fitting right in!

We’ve visited with your mom and family several times and they’re working to get you back with them. We hope that happens soon,  but we’re happy to care for you until then. You should know that we value sleep a lot in our home, but have happily given up the thought of a whole night sleep to be able to love and care for you right now.

Welcome to the family, J! We’re happy you’re here and are so enjoying watching you grow!

Love,

Meggie

Dear B

Dear B,

You were our Christmas kid. We’ll always remember Christmas 2015 as the Christmas you were with us. You had such a confusing 10 days. You went from being with your mom to two different foster homes in just a weekend. Then you were just with us for 7 days. It just happened that Christmas – the best and craziest time of the year happened in those 7 days. If it hadn’t been Christmas you could have gone home sooner because offices would have been open.

We spent our time together with family and friends. You met lots of people and went several places. We saw the lights at Callaway Gardens together. We celebrated Christmas Eve and our house together. You are such a special boy. You’re interested in the world around you and seem to be taking it all in in ways other kids don’t. Even with the difference in your house and our house you seemed to fit right in and tried to go with the flow. (We know now you had ear infections during that week and hate that meant you weren’t feeling your best.)

We were glad to be there for you when you needed us. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew that some kids would stay for a while and some kids wouldn’t. You weren’t the shortest placement we’ve had – but you were close! You wore us out kiddo, in mostly all good ways. We’ve parented two 18-month olds but have never had a kid that age come into our home. We learned a lot!

We hope you had a Merry Christmas in our home and that you’re doing well back with your mom and grandma and brother. You were loved while you were with us and you’ll forever be a part of our big foster family.

Love,

Meggie