End of School Year Letter for Sam

Last week was your last day of kindergarten. I can’t believe how fast this school year flew by. I went back and looked at the letter I wrote you when school started and at the things I hoped you would learn this year and I’m amazed at how much you learned and how much you’ve changed and grown.

We have Mae Mae and Steve to thank for you managing sight words and AR points and homework. Without them I don’t think any of us would have made it through this year. Your time at their house every afternoon is a gift I am sure you’re going to treasure for all of your days.

You’ve learned to read! Right now you love to sound out every word you see and figure it out. You also LOVE to write. Your teacher sent you home with an amazing journal collection of your writing and drawing throughout the year and its so cool to see how much you’ve learned. You learned what it means to work on something really really hard and be proud of how it turned out.

You’ve made some friends this year and learned lessons about kindness and generosity. You also learned that taking a new toy to school to trade with a friend is probably not a good idea.

You’ve kept your sense of humor and learned more jokes. You had a teacher that handled and appreciated your sass which was a great match.

Thankfully you enjoyed school lunches all year. You got to take your lunch from home as a special reward sometimes but even started to turn it down at the end of the year.

You didn’t lose your pencil pouch and we heard and saw you choose kindness over and over.

You only get one year of kindergarten and there are something about this one that I will cherish and some things I wish had been different.

Mostly, I feel like I missed it.

I hope in the years to come I don’t miss it.

We made it through the school year and have fun things planned this summer. I can’t wait to spend extra time with you and watch you learn and grow!

Love, Mama

A Lesson in Perspective from K

In case you don’t get to spend a lot of time with this sweet boy on the reg., he has meltdowns. Meltdowns that leave me wishing I had a tranquilizer on hand—for myself, of course. This past Saturday he had one that has taken me a few days to process. Mainly because it happened in public. In Publix, actually. He and I were doing the weekly grocery shopping—a task which is normally done by him and Meg. But with her sick, we set out as soon as the little ones were down for their nap.

Meg would tell you that I’m a slow shopper. And that I made too many extra stops that prolonged the trip unnecessarily. I would agree. By the time we got to Publix it was already time to be home preparing dinner—with food we needed from Publix. So we rushed in the “green store” and I started ticking items off the Meg-made list. K immediately noticed a fellow patron getting an Elsa balloon inflated for a birthday party and wanted to watch. I obliged while I was in the area, but eventually I had to break it to him that we had to go to the next isle. I should have known. I should have prepared him. He fell to the floor whining, crying, and kicking while repeating “I don’t want to go” over and over.

After failed attempts at empty threats and bribery I put the produce back up, abandoned the buggy, and scooped him up like a baby. At the door I told him I would let him down, and I let him know calmly and firmly that he had to hold my hand in the parking lot. He fell out again, this time grabbing onto the sliding door, snorting and yelling “no, no, no.” Snot bubbles, spit . . . his face was contorted and glistening. I scooped him up again and headed to the car, humiliated. I could feel eyes on us as we walked the 20 yards, but did not realize exactly what was happening outside my tunnel vision. I had to wrestle him into his car seat before I could escape the situation, drawing even more attention to our plight (he was still screaming).

Finally, I backed out of my parking spot and turned around to a crowd of faces still staring—one woman, cell phone in hand, taking pictures or videos of the car, us, and then my license plate. I *politely* rolled down my window and let her know “He’s mine, okay?!?!?” The only response I got was her index finger wagging at the sky while her head bobbled back and forth in my rear-view mirror. I can only imagine what she was preaching to the crowd around her.

When I got back home I broke down recounting the story to Meg. Anger. Shame. Inadequacy. Fear. And in the midst of all my tears my sweet boy finally snapped back (he had cried to go back to the green store since we left the green store) and stood beside me patting my arm.

Perception. OED defines it as “the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses” and “the way in which something is regarded, understood, or interpreted.” My perception has been formed through all that I have seen, heard, tasted, smelled, and touched throughout my lifetime. Senses give us the basis to form memories about situations that in turn trigger our emotional senses: fear, trust, love, gratitude, loyalty . . . I have been stared at, but never quite like that. Not like a black family barbecuing in a public park, or a black student sleeping on the couch in a common room, or a brown family seeking asylum . . . My anger and fear and passive aggression come from a privileged perspective (though the almost-four-year-old with a quick temper played a minor role). I knew I would make it home safely—with my beautiful "brown" boy—barring an apoplectic stroke.

This may have nothing or everything to do with the Publix incident, but twice this week K has told me he’s different. Both times I have asked why he thinks that and he has replied, “because my skin is brown.” And both times I reassured him that everyone belongs in our family. Then I pointed out all the other families we know who don't "match." We are constantly exposing all of our children to new experiences and a rich variety of people. K has a barbershop, books that reflect his skin color, and music. He loves music. Beyoncé. Hazel Scott. Snoop Dogg…I want nothing more for K than for him to be safe, happy, and healthy and always know how much he is loved. I don’t want to steal his Black identity.

I am constantly aware of the implications of transracial adoption. We’re used to the stares, points, and whispers from the folks trying to figure us out. We’re a lot. Add other foster mamas (Missy & Octavia) to the mix and we’re a mystery that cannot be solved . . . unless you know us. And how can you know us if all you do is stand back and judge or call the police? (I just want to say that don’t you think kidnappers would be more discreet than a large white woman in a tie-dyed shirt carrying a screaming child through the parking lot?) I realized I probably seemed unapproachable Sunday, that’s my fault. But a kind word, an empathetic nod…a conversation about the difficulties of parenting. Any of those would have been nice. And way more constructive than pointing fingers in a parking lot. (I'm still a little miffed.)

We all—no matter race, color, creed, or sexual orientation—have common lived experiences that could meaningfully connect us with others in this divided world, if only we took a moment to gain perspective.

Update for R&F

Dear R and F,

Today the judge heard your case. There were a lot of people there for this hearing. Your first mom, your three older brothers, three of your great-grandparents, some cousins, and several of your mom’s friends. Bubbie and I were also there.

The Judge wanted to hear from DFCS about what your mom has been doing on the list of things she needs to do to be able to take care of you well. There are three big parts to this and she’s started on one of the parts. She’s been out of town a lot over the past year but says she’s back and is going to work to be able to parent you.  She has a little bit of time left to do a whole lot of work. We’re not sure what’s going to happen. We will go back before the judge in January.

What we do know is that it seems to be priority for everyone to make sure that you and your two sisters end up together. Maybe that will be with mom if she works really really hard. There’s a small chance it could be with relatives if it is decided they can take all of you. There’s also a chance it will be with a new family that wants to adopt all four of you together. We are going to work as hard as we possibly can to make sure that whatever transition happens, happens in a way that is the best for you both. Even though we can’t be your parents forever, our commitment is to be the very best parents for you until you don’t need us to anymore. A big part of that is making sure that you transition well.

I wish I could tell you more about what will happen and when, but the truth is that in this world of foster care we never really know. There are lots of people looking out for you and thinking about what’s best for you and we will keep making sure that decisions are being made based on that.

F - We got results back today from some assessments you had done in June. We finally have names for some of the challenges you’ve been having. My hope is that these things aren’t used to “label you” or discourage anyone from knowing and loving you, but that they are used to make sure you’re getting the very best resources to help you be happy and healthy and whole. You’ve started talking so much more in the last weeks and are so proud of yourself. In our house before you can tattle to a grown up about something someone else has done, you have to tell the person who did something how it makes you feel. You appreciate this rule and I often hear you telling K “You make me feel…GRRRR!” You’re trying so hard to be a big boy. We’re proud of you and the work you’re doing and appreciate all the help we’re getting from our village. You’ve started spending some time with Aunt Beck. She loves you very much and is very invested in making sure you’re getting the attention you need.

R – These days you are nothing but charm. You’re picking up words and trying to talk more and more. You are one of the stealthiest babies I’ve known. Every chance you get, you sneak to your bedroom and grab your paci from the bed and stick it in your mouth.  You love to eat and play and sit and read books. You’ve almost totally caught up with the milestones you should be meeting. You’re amazing to us and everyday we marvel at how resilient you are.

We don’t know what the future holds for you or what a timeline might look like. We’re working hard to do everything we can to make sure that the decisions being made about your care are made for the very best reasons. Your Bubbie and I love you and are so glad you’re in our family.

Love, Mama

A First Day Letter for K

K,
Yesterday was your first day of the 3's class at your preschool. This is your second year there so its a familiar place with familiar people. You walked in with your new dino backpack like a big boy,  looking for your familiar teacher in a new classroom. You have a great class filled with new friends and old friends and a teacher you love.

After school everyday you're still going to go to Easter Seals for afternoon care. You're one of the only typical kids in your class there and we're hoping that has been a good setting for you to grow and learn. We're hoping that you're learning to be a good friend and to not be afraid of people who may be different than you are.

This start of a school year won't feel that different for you - I imagine...just more of the same.

I hope this year of familiarity offers you a deep sense of stability. You more than any of our other kids crave stability and predictability and I'm glad you have a place that offers that.

I hope you learn all your letters and love to learn.

I hope you are a good friend and make a good friend.

I hope you keep using your words to tell us what you need. Especially when you're hangry.

I hope you learn to try to new foods. Somehow. Especially things with protein.

I hope you keep loving what you love and liking what you like and don't listen to the haters. Your imagination is taking off and its so much fun to watch and listen to you play. Don't stop. There are no such things as toys only for boys and toys only for girls.

I hope you keep developing your big brother skills. You love R and Baby C and are already looking out for them.

We've had a busy summer with several court dates for you. We've learned the waiver from the state that will allow you to be adopted separately from your sister has been granted. Now we have to wait for them to legally say that your father has no rights to take care of you and then you'll be free for adoption. You're still visiting with your sister every week and we hope there is some way that you'll be able to continue a relationship with her after she's adopted by her foster mom. We hope grownup issues don't get in the way of you all knowing one another. We go back to court in October and hope to know something about a possible adoption timeline then.

Your favorite things right now are Barbie dolls (especially Elsa) and snakes and spiders. You love to read books and sing. You sing to yourself all the time. You still love to eat chicken nuggets and fries more than anything in the world. Other than a random case of the croup this week, you're a very healthy kid. You're becoming more and more independent and vocal about what you like and don't like and I hope we continue to honor your voice and help you learn how to use it. You're a pretty stubborn kid which is not always a bad thing but does make it hard sometimes. You're also a sweetheart and right now a mama's boy. I can't wait to see how you use these gifts and traits as you grow.

This school year is going to be a little crazy for our family, K. Hang in there, Buddy. It also could be the best yet!

Love,
Mama

First Day of School Letter for F

F,

You started school today! You're going to a special classroom in an elementary school for younger kids who need a little extra help getting ready for school. You did this a little bit last school year so its not totally new, but your class has been moved to a different school. You're such a little fella in a school with such big kids. You only get to go to this class for half days two times a week and the rest of the time will be able to go back to Easter Seals where you've been all summer. You really like your class there.

I hope you have a great year of learning and growing at both schools.

I hope the extra attention helps you catch up. You're doing so well with speech and are so proud to be able to communicate more clearly these days.

I hope your body stays strong and healthy and that when (not if) those glasses break we can fix them at least 2 times before we have to replace them.

I hope all the things that trigger your anxiety stay far away from you.

I hope that you make some friends your age.

I hope you'll start to see that the important adults in your life will love you no matter what.

I hope that you'll learn how great it is to use the potty! (Please. Please. Please.)

I hope that your bus driver takes the long way every time you're on the bus so you get to see everything from "so high."

I hope we'll get fewer accident reports as a result of your carelessness and clumsiness!

I hope you have fun. Like real pure fun. Like so much you can't keep it to yourself.

F, you've recently decided that you're not a fan of me. We're working through this with help from Dr. B. I pray and ask the experts for help to know how to be the best Mama I can be for you now. She says what you need is safety and stability and we're doing that as best we know how. I get glimmers of the sweet boy I know is in there and that others know every so often when we interact and it gives me hope. Whatever it is - know that I love you and am trying to figure it out and that I will love you and keep trying to figure it out as long as you need me to. Attachment is a real thing, Dude and I hate so much for you that you didn't learn how to do it when you were supposed to. Its not impossible to catch up. We just have some real work to do.

Your family's case will be heard by the judge in a few weeks. The outcome could change things in a major way. We don't think it will mean you're leaving us anytime soon but we're hoping it gets us one step closer to you being able to live with all three of your sisters in a forever place.

I love you, F and am so glad to celebrate this start of a school year with you. Its going to be a great year!

Love,
Mama

A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Day of Kindergarten

Sweet Sam,
Tomorrow you'll go to Kindergarten. We'll wake up early and put on your uniform (which I'm still not a fan of) and new tennis shoes and hair clips (since your DIY haircut hasn't grown out) and you'll pose with a sign Bubbie made you and pack you up with a unicorn backpack that's as big as you are and head to big school. You're going to Kindergarten at the same school where I went to Kindergarten through 6th grade. You think this is super cool. I think this is basically unimaginable.

Seven years ago tomorrow your Bubbie moved to Columbus. Who would have imagined that seven years later we would be sending our daughter to Kindergarten at Clubview? I wouldn't have believed it!

You are mostly excited about school.(Although recently you told me you didn't need to learn how to read since everyone else can read and can tell you what things say.) Tonight we went for a meeting and to see your classroom. You were so excited to see lots of your friends from pre-K and your soccer team.

Kindergarten is going to teach you a lot. I am so excited about this year and all we have to learn together.

I hope you'll be a good friend and have a good friend. Look for the kids who are left out and be kind.

I hope you learn what it feels like to be proud of something you work really hard on.

I hope you laugh at yourself and tell more jokes but not at the expense of other people.

I hope you'll be patient with kids who learn differently than you do. I also hope you'll be patient with yourself.

I hope you learn that learning new things isn't always easy but it can be really, really fun.

I hope you will stay excited about eating school lunches so we don't have to pack a lunchbox every night. Your great-grandmother Mimi would love this. I hope you can open your milk by yourself and that you have one thing on your tray everyday that you love. I also .hope we don't forget to send lunch money.

I hope your school is a safe place for you to learn and play.

I hope you know what a treat it is to be able to go to your grandparents' house after school everyday. MaeMae and Steve are a tremendous part of the village and don't get enough credit for all they do.

I hope that your eyes don't get stuck when you roll them and that your teacher can match your sass.

I hope that you like playing on the playground with other boys and girls. You've spent a lot of time on that playground with Steve and this will be different.

I hope you respect your teachers and use all the good manners you can muster.

I hope you'll talk to me about what you're doing and learning and feeling at school.

I hope you don't lose your pencil pouch I made you.

I hope you learn more about letters and numbers but not how to spell everything quite yet so Bubbie and I can still spell I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M and you'll be none the wiser.

I hope when you learn more about how unique our family is, it makes you proud to be a part of it.

I asked what you were happy about after the meeting tonight and you said "I am glad I didn't toot in there." So I hope you don't toot at inopportune times.

So many hopes.

More than anything else I hope you always choose kindness. Always. With others. With yourself. Choose kindness.

This is going to be a crazy year for our family, Sam. Hopefully you'll be none the wiser but I've made changes with my work that mean I'm working again in the afternoons and some evenings. Bubbie is finishing her degree this year and her schedule will be all over the place. We're depending on help from lots of folks to make this work. This isn't a perfect world and things are not exactly as I would have hoped they would be. I wish we had had more time this summer for vacation and memory making. I wish I was able to be home every afternoon with you and feed you made from scratch meals for breakfast and dinner. I wish we had time for Pinterest-y snacks. Instead I've got Gogurt and an apple ready for the car ride in the morning and dinner will involve some sort of frozen chicken. Things may not be exactly as I would have planned, but we got this, Kid. Bubbie and I are ready and excited and determined to make this a great school year for all of 7 of us (9 if you count the dog and fish). We're making memories whether we mean to or not. I hope these memories are wonderful and happy and big and grand and full of family and friends and village.

A lot of parents are nervous about sending their kids into the world. I'm not nervous, really. I am excited to watch you grow and learn and am honestly fascinated to see who you're becoming. Out of all the Mamas in the WHOLE WORLD I get to be yours. You're the best gift I've been given.

Happy First Day of Kindergarten, Sweets. You are loved!
Mama

C is 6 months!

C,

Today was a big day.

You’re 6 months old today! You’re such a happy baby. You love to sing and talk to anyone who will listen and smile at everyone. You’re sleeping (for about 6 hours) well and eating like a champ. You can hardly tell you were 6 weeks early. There was an accident in April at daycare that injured your arm but that has barely slowed you down! We spent some time in the hospital and make sure your arm healed and while it hasn’t healed as straight as we would like…it doesn’t seem to bother you at all! We’re working with a physical therapist to make sure you’re back to using your arm as soon as possible!

Today a panel heard your case. The panel is made up of folks from the community who care about foster kids and have special training in understanding the system. I talked to your first mom (Gigi) last night and she said she wanted to make sure to be there so we gave her a ride. While we were there we talked about how much she loves you and how happy she is that you’re healthy and happy. She’s so happy that you’re growing up with Sam. She is so happy that you’re heathy and happy.

While we were at the meeting she let them know she was ready to sign the papers that will make it faster for us to be your parents forever. We left the meeting and went to the office where she could sign the papers. This was a really big deal and a really big decision. Never ever doubt that this was a hard thing for her to do. These papers mean she knows she won’t ever be your mama and be the one to take care of you.

We had to wait a long long time for the papers to be ready and for the right people to be there for her to sign. She held you and fed you and sang you to sleep while we waited. She and I also talked a lot and learned more about each other. After she signed she was very sad and talked about how she knew she made the right decision but it was still very hard. We talked about how her signing those papers doesn’t mean she will never see you again. We still very much want her to know you and for you to grow up knowing who she is. We went and had lunch together so she could have a little longer visit today.

She’s an important part of your story. She’s an important part of our story together.

The more your first mom talked today, the more I realized that you are a miracle. I know, I know…all babies are miracles. Some babies just have beginnings that involve lots of doctors visits, vitamins, scans, buying cribs, choosing car seats, and very planned arrivals. Your first months when Gigi found out about you weren’t like that. It was about this time last year that she told us she was expecting a baby, but it didn’t seem like you would be healthy when you arrived.  There were lots of questions even up until your arrival about how healthy you would be. And here you are! Sound asleep in my lap as I type. Happy and healthy. My prayer is that we remember what a gift you are to our family, our village, and our world. You’ve made our lives crazier, that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t trade a minute!

Speaking of crazy, I’ve got to go unload the dishwasher and clean off the dining room table. We heard today from the lady who is coming back to our house this week to follow-up about your accident and we need to get ready! I'm sure when we think of your first six months we'll remember that these have been some of our craziest days - but also some of our best days!

We love you, C!

Mama and Bubbie