Dear K, Loving a Child That is Leaving

Dear K,

We found out last week you will more than likely be leaving us in the coming months to go live with your sister in the foster home where she has been since you were born. Your sister is S’s age so we’ve said all along that she’s been preparing you well for having an older sister! At first we thought your sister might be moving to our house. It seemed big and scary and overwhelming but also really important that you two be in the same home as you get older. Especially if it looks like you won’t be going back to your birth Mama. (Nothing is for sure decided on that front. The only thing that is certain is that she has a lot to do to be able to parent you both and that will likely take a long time for her to get it done.) As it turns out, the foster mom who has your sister is willing to welcome you into her home too. She loves your sister and recognizes the transition for her at her age will likely be harder than moving you at your age.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how best to love you right now. How do I love a child that is leaving?

First of all, you should know that nothing changes about my love. I still love you and am committed to taking the very best care of you that I can as long as I can.

Second, I am committed to making the transition that is coming as healthy as possible for you and your sister. Family reunification is important  - even if that is “reunifying” siblings who only know each other through one hour a week visits.

Third, I am going to remember that balance matters. It is tempting to indulge you and lean towards spoiling you a little. When you want to take a bottle with you to bed for instance – I could say to myself “He’ll only be here a few more weeks” and let it go. But I know that’s not what you need in the long run. You’ve just started in-home occupational therapy to help with some eating issues. It would be really easy to not make those visits happen and just push it off onto your next home to deal with. But instead I’m freezing you baby food pellets and introducing you to as many textures as I can think of, per the instructions of the Occupational Therapist we met last week. There may be extra hugs and snuggles and smiles your way. You don’t seem to mind being rocked these days and being reminded of the song I have sang to you every night since you were five days old… But who couldn’t use more songs and snuggles and hugs!

I’m preparing you to leave by trying to keep everything the same. It is one of the crazy contradictions of foster care. I want stability and normalcy for you and for all of us. We know the transition is coming but we have time to get ready. When we start the transition you’ll gradually start spending more time at their house and less time at ours until you spend all your time there. Even though we know this is coming, we don’t really need to change anything about today.

You’re the first babe I got to bring home from the hospital. You’re by far the most difficult kiddo (health wise) we’ve had! You’ll always have a special place in our hearts for those reasons. If we could we would love you and welcome you into our family forever. We are open to that. But we also know that being with your sister is important and if we can help make that happen for everyone in a happy and healthy way, we will gladly help.

So, Little Man, we are not going to spoil you rotten because we know you’re leaving. We’re not going to put off the hard work of getting you where you should be with milestones because you’re leaving. We’re not going to stop paying attention to you and start distancing ourselves from you because you’re leaving. We’re going to keep on loving you. One day – one hour – one minute – and one frozen baby food pellet at a time! Like our song says “I’ve got confidence My Lord will see us through…no matter what the day may bring…”

I love you, K.

Meggie

One more week!

Dear Baby J,

We thought you would be leaving us today to go live with an aunt. We learned last night they’re not quite ready for you yet so it looks like we have another week to love you. You’re growing so much every day. Dr. Tom says you’ve gained an average of an ounce a day since we’ve had you and that is outstanding! (If it were only as easy to lose an ounce a day I would be delighted!)

You’re holding your head up and looking around more and more. You’re staying awake a little long between each feeding. We’ve had a couple of instances of projectile spit-up that we would like to not repeat – but mostly you’re happy and healthy. You have grey-blue eyes still and have the best hair! You’re going to be quite a handsome fella!

It looks like our time together will be ending soon but we hope to stay in touch with your family and be able to watch you grow from a distance. We’ve learned so much about babies and caring for the smallest among us by parenting you. We’ve also learned a lot about ourselves and our family by having you around. We’re thankful for the village we have who support us and love us and help us take care of you.

We love you little guy!

Love,

Meggie

Happy Birthday, Sweet S!

Dear Sweet S,

You are three years old today! We will celebrate with friends and family this weekend but we celebrated all day today too. “Sah” was here when you woke up and we sang Happy Birthday to you. You had donuts on the way to school for breakfast, had a special outfit to wear, and I brought treats for your class after nap. You were excited for Sah and me to be at your school and we were glad to be there. We had big cupcakes which you and your friends enjoyed. We had a special dinner out with Mae Mae, Steve, Sah, Lola, and Aunt Pissy. You got to ride home in Mae Mae’s car and talked them into stopping for both bananas and ice cream on the way home.

I wish I could tell you about the day you were born. I didn’t get to be there. Another woman saw you first, heard your first cries, gave you your first bath, and changed your first diapers. There are a lot of first that you and I have shared together since then, but those very first firsts I missed.  I’ve seen pictures of that day and what I do know is that you were born into a family that loved you. There we lots of people who came to the hospital to see you. Your GiGi was SO happy you were born and you were healthy. Grover was glad to have a daughter. Your older brothers and sisters were delighted with you. Your cousins and aunts and uncles came to celebrate. The day you were born was a really really big deal.

Your first birthday we got to celebrate with you! You had been living in our house for about  6 months. We celebrated with lots of friends and family in the front yard at our old house. Celebrating your birthday at that house is one of my favorite memories. We had hot dogs and hamburgers and a cake I made. We had bright decorations and lots of fun.

Your second birthday seems like it was just last week. On your actual 2^nd birthday we were out of town celebrating a wedding with friends so we had your birthday party a little late. You were really into Mexican food so we had your party at a Mexican restaurant. You loved the balloons, cake, burritos, and presents! Lots of friends and family were there with us to celebrate.

This year we will another party at our new house. Bubbie and I are busy making plans and are excited to have some other children at this party for you to play with. We hope you will have a great time!

Birthdays are times we celebrate life. We celebrate you living another year. We celebrate the life you bring to our family and our world. We celebrate us making it another year as your parents. This foster thing we’re doing together means we have lots of “anniversaries” or special days we celebrate. Your birthday is a big one. On this day I do think about GiGi and how much she loves you. You brought and still bring light and life to her world too. I imagine this day is hard for her but I know she celebrates too. I thank God for her and how she made a really hard decision to share your life with us.

 

Your third year of life was a wild ride. You’re growing and learning every day. You are so smart. You’re kind to babies and old people. You are busy all the time figuring things out. You love dressing up and baby dolls. You’re a quite good big sister and mommy to your babies. You are a great eater and have almost mastered potty training. You love to sing and have started to make up new songs. You’re making friends at school and learning how to be kind and sweet. You like to count and prefer numbers over letters or colors. You still want to everything yourself if at all possible. It is a delight and joy to watch you becoming your own person.

I can’t wait to see what this year brings us, Sweet Girl. I hope it brings finalization with your adoption. I hope it brings growth and health. I hope it brings joy and adventure. Happy Birthday, S! I am so glad you were born and that I get to be your Mama.

Love, Mama

Dear Baby J

Dear Baby J,

You are by far the smallest baby I have ever seen or held or cared for in real life. You came into this world two months early and needed to spend some extra time in the hospital letting your body catch up. You came home with us on January 11 and we are loving having you! (We spent the previous weekend going back and forth to the hospital learning how to care for you and getting to know you.) We are sure sad you had to spend this time in the hospital  but we do appreciate the schedule they have you on.

Right now you basically sleep for 4 hours, wake up, get changed, eat, and go back to sleep. You are wanting to stay awake a little more each time but mostly you’re just a sleepy head! But that’s ok! Without a doubt it is what you need to be doing! You’ve gained an ounce a day since you’ve been with us, are keeping your jaundice numbers down, and maintaining your body temp like a champ. The doctor says everything is as it should be.

S already calls you “my baby” and wants to smother you with kisses. K is a little suspicious of you drinking out of bottles that look a lot like his. You’re fitting right in!

We’ve visited with your mom and family several times and they’re working to get you back with them. We hope that happens soon,  but we’re happy to care for you until then. You should know that we value sleep a lot in our home, but have happily given up the thought of a whole night sleep to be able to love and care for you right now.

Welcome to the family, J! We’re happy you’re here and are so enjoying watching you grow!

Love,

Meggie

Dear B

Dear B,

You were our Christmas kid. We’ll always remember Christmas 2015 as the Christmas you were with us. You had such a confusing 10 days. You went from being with your mom to two different foster homes in just a weekend. Then you were just with us for 7 days. It just happened that Christmas – the best and craziest time of the year happened in those 7 days. If it hadn’t been Christmas you could have gone home sooner because offices would have been open.

We spent our time together with family and friends. You met lots of people and went several places. We saw the lights at Callaway Gardens together. We celebrated Christmas Eve and our house together. You are such a special boy. You’re interested in the world around you and seem to be taking it all in in ways other kids don’t. Even with the difference in your house and our house you seemed to fit right in and tried to go with the flow. (We know now you had ear infections during that week and hate that meant you weren’t feeling your best.)

We were glad to be there for you when you needed us. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew that some kids would stay for a while and some kids wouldn’t. You weren’t the shortest placement we’ve had – but you were close! You wore us out kiddo, in mostly all good ways. We’ve parented two 18-month olds but have never had a kid that age come into our home. We learned a lot!

We hope you had a Merry Christmas in our home and that you’re doing well back with your mom and grandma and brother. You were loved while you were with us and you’ll forever be a part of our big foster family.

Love,

Meggie

Letter for K

Dear K,

Recently someone who actually reads these letters told me I’d never written you a letter. I thought they had to be wrong, but nope. I looked back and never have. We didn’t even make an official introduction of you on the blog. Please forgive me! You’ve been an important and lively part of our family now for almost 8 months despite your absence from the blog!

You’re the youngest baby we’ve fostered. I met you at the hospital when you were only 4 days old! You were born on a Thursday and we learned about you on Saturday at a foster parent training. We were told you would be going to relatives probably – but before I knew it I remember saying “if something changes and he needs us we can work it out to have him.” The DFCS person said "I didn't think ya'll wanted newborns" and I said "crazier things have happened."

I picked you up on a Monday afternoon in May. Getting a baby from the hospital is something I never thought I would have a chance to do. While we waited for DFCS to get their paperwork in order I asked the nurses a million questions. They gave me some tips for caring for such a new baby and assured me I was going to be ok. I left the hospital with your few belongings and some formula in a trash bag. So not the way you want to enter the world - but we've made sure you had a much better welcome since then.  I strapped you in the infant seat we used for J and thought – are they really going to let me leave with him? The DFCS worker waited with you while I got the van – and then we were off. Bubbie and S and J came home that night excited to meet you. 

You had some allergies and tummy troubles that we didn’t know about yet. We spend your first days with us mostly trying to get you to stop crying. (We really spent your first months with us trying to get you to stop crying.) Once we got you on special formula and meds for reflux things calmed down.

We’ve learned a lot about parenting from you. We learned just how little sleep we can survive on. We've learned what colic looks like. And what silent reflux is. We’ve learned how easy we had it with our first 5 kids. They all were unusually good sleepers – and you’re still not sleeping through the night. We’ve also learned that there is no “one size fits all” approach for parenting. You’re exactly one year younger than K. We had him at the same time through the same stages last year and you’re so different. Some of that has to do with his and your special needs – but most of it has to do with your temperaments. We've also learned what it is like to have a positive relationship with the bio mom of our foster kid.

These days you’re happy 90% of the time. You’re sitting on your own and rolling over. You love being in the walker and cruising all over the house. You are super charming and have the best smile. Your favorite thing is for S to talk or sing to you or pay attention to you in general.  You have one little puff of hair on top of your head. You’re not eating much baby food yet. In fact when we try to give it to you, you scream like the worst thing in the world has happened. We’re hoping you warm up to it soon!

You get to see your birth mom every week and she is working hard to get you back. She comes to all of your doctor’s appointments to keep up with what’s going on with you. You also have been getting some visits with your grandma and your sister too.

We’re excited to have you in our home for Christmas. Your first Christmas is a big deal. You already have seen Santa three times!  You like the sparkle of the lights everywhere  too. We make a big deal out of Christmas because we celebrate and remember that God’s love became real and lived with us. God became one of us. It helps to remember the real-ness of that little baby when we have a real little baby in our home. We love you and care for you because God loves us and cares for us. We hope we make that love real for you every day.

Love,

Meggie and Bubbie

Gracefully

Dear J,

I have written you a million letters in the last two months but until this one they’ve all just stayed in my head and heart. I think I have to write this one down now because sometimes we need to get things out.

I’ve missed you every day since you’ve been gone. Some days are harder than others when we have a food I know you would love or when we know you’ve had a doctor’s appointment and hope you’ve gotten there. Your Bubbie and I have missed you together and separately and everyone in our village has grieved your absence from us.

We haven’t heard from you – but our friends have seen you out and about twice (we may or may not be stalking the Kmart where they saw you once). We like knowing you’re ok and had hoped we would be able to stay in touch. We’ve learned a lot of things about you physically since you left – test results that didn’t come back until you were gone. We know you have some real limitations and are hoping hard and praying hard that your family is making sure your special needs are met. For a while we thought you weren’t getting to appointment and therapies but have just in the last week learned you might be getting what you need from another route. We fought hard for you. We called everyone we knew to call. Your friends fought too. There are lots of people who were really concerned for you. We hope that concern has made a difference.

We’re so sad that you’re caught in a broken system of changing case workers and policies and regulations that mean you’ve fallen in a big ‘ol crack. In the end, I want to be able to say I did everything I could to be able to make sure you don’t stay in that crack.

I’m not writing this to say we’re done fighting. I will always want to make sure you’re ok and I will keep using my connections to try and make sure your needs are met. But I am writing this in some ways to remind myself that I am not in charge. Try as I might, I can’t ensure your safety right now. I have to trust that that is ok.

These are the hard parts of fostering….the loving entirely and completely while you’re in our home and then the still loving entirely and completely after you’re gone. You are the first kiddo who has made us feel this way. You’re not the first who has left us, but you were different. Maybe because you were with us longer…maybe because you have special needs…maybe because we didn’t feel so great about where you were going when you left us…probably a combo of all three – but something about your absence is different.

I hope next week your family gets together and celebrates Thanksgiving and I hope they are as thankful for you as we are. Just know J, that you’re going to be missed at our celebrations and that you are one of the blessings we are thankful for this year.

Love, Meggie