This is Your Village

Sam,

We knew that when your adoption happened we wanted to have a big party so we could all celebrate together. One of things I wanted out of the party was a picture of your whole village together and we got one!

After Rev. Grace offered a blessing for our family and gave others a chance to voice their blessings – we shuffled everyone to the stage and gathered for a picture. I was delighted that everyone played along – but of course they would – you have the best village!

There were lots of people who wanted to be with us that afternoon to celebrate and couldn’t be but I wanted to tell you now who was there and who the people are in this picture. I want you to always know who they are and why they matter to our family. (No one else will probably care about this list – but I hope from it you can see the variety of people who love you and are happy to be in your village.)

You’ve got some very familiar people on the front row. There’s Steve and MaeMae who are basically some of your favorite people. Next to MaeMae is Poppy. He came all the way from “where the cows live” (what you call Eva) to be there! He’s the best Poppy! Then there’s me and Bubbie. And next to Bubbie is Ms. Cheryl. I’ve worked with her at Open Door for almost eight years. She’s been a good friend to me at work and is always very interested in our lives.

On the next row back you’ll recognize Rev. Grace holding K. Rev. Grace is the priest at the church where we worship and I work. She’s been an important person to us. Before Bubbie and I got married we met with her for pre-martial counseling and really appreciated her wisdom and guidance. She’s holding K. K has been your little brother for 20 months. You love being a big sister to him and all the other “babies” who have come into our home. Being a Big Sister is an important part of who you are.

Next to Rev. Grace is Ms. LaSaundra and her kids. Ms. LaSaundra is one of my favorite people I get to work with in Circles. She’s worked really really hard to make things more positive and stable for her kids and now she’s a volunteer with Circles helping others make the same sorts of changes. She also works in the office that has made sure your day care is paid for through the state. She’s an important person there too!

Next to them are Anna and Nikki. They’re your cousins from Alabama. You love going to their house to play when we’re there and will follow “your big girl” Anna around for hours. They’re taking really good care of Poppy right now which is a huge gift to Bubbie. We’re glad they’re in your family and glad they’re in the village.

Next to them are Aaron, Sarah Jane and their 3 kids. Sarah Jane and Aaron are also foster parents. We’re happy we’re in this together. Fostering is a crazy and beautiful thing and its made such a difference to have folks on this journey with us.

Next to the boys are Lyndsey and Ashley. You’ve gotten to spend lots of time with them at Circles while Ashely worked with me and Lyndsey was an Ally. Bubbie first met Ashley in the Counseling Program at CSU. We love how they always make us laugh and both genuinely care about education and making the world a better place.

Next to Ashley in the red shirt is Ms. Donna. Ms. Donna goes to church with us now and used to be a foster parent herself. She has a great big heart and uses her time in service to others.

Next to Ms. Donna is Mr. John and Mrs. Vicky. Mr. John is the lawyer that worked with us to finalize your adoption. We were grateful his name will always be on your paperwork and that he was there with us in the process. Before she retired I worked with Mrs. Vicky at CVEM. She was the Director and I led Infusion which meant I got to work with teenagers. Mrs. Vicky was such a great leader in that group too. She’s such a strong example of a servant leader and has given lots of her time and energy to starting great things in our community. She helped me tremendously with the work we did in Circles. She cares more about justice than anyone I know. We also go to church with them now.

Next to Mrs. Vicky are Jar and Mia. Jar is your favorite Uncle and Mia is your favorite Aunt. We can’t wait for their baby to be born and for you to get to meet “Baby Cousin.” You’ll learn lots of thing about family. Some family you get to choose and some family you don’t. I am glad that my brother is someone I would choose to be in the village even if he wasn’t my brother. I am also glad he brought Maggie into our family and her family too!

Next to Mia is Aunt Sarah. I’ve known Sarah since she was in middle school. One day I’ll show you pictures! My friendship with Sarah is one of those things I would never have predicted 15 years ago when I was hired to be a youth ministry intern at the church where she grew up. Life is funny and the relationships we make and keep along the way are surprising. Sarah is an important and special person to you and we hope she will be for a long time.

Back on the other end you’ll see Ms. Kim behind Rev. Grace. Ms. Kim has been my friend since I was in college and I’ve gotten to work with her as my boss at Open Door. She’s one of those people who has “the minister-vibe.” She’s a great listener and something about her makes you want to tell her all you think and feel! She’s a visionary and leader in our community and I am so grateful I’ve gotten to work in ministry with her.

Next to Ms. Kim you’ll recognize Aunt Pissy (your name for her) holding L. I’ve been friends with Melissa since high school and am glad we’re in this foster family together. She got interested in foster parenting after she saw us doing it. Melissa has the biggest heart of anyone I know. She is a very good friend and I’m grateful for the longevity of our friendship. We can’t wait for L to be your forever cousin too! Next to them is Nana B. Nana is Melissa’s mom. We’re glad she’s in the village too. She was one of your first babysitters!

Next to Nana B. are Shelley and her daughter. Shelley and I grew up together in school and church and now she lives in another part of the state. Shelley and her husband are adopted parents too. I have appreciated her support and encouragement as we’ve fostered and adopted. It was such a great surprise to see them at your party. Your village reaches far and wide!

Behind Shelley you’ll see Ms. Laura and your new church buddy Wyatt – or Max as you call him. Laura and I grew up together at church and had lots of fun (and got in some trouble together) as teenagers. I am glad she’s back here and especially glad she and Wyatt are coming to church at St. Thomas. I am sure you two are on the way to having the same sorts of fun we did. Just know – that if you try to copy his personal testimony for a writing assignment or if you two are standing next to each other and get the giggles during a choir performance Ms. Laura and I will know how to handle it. Just trust us.

Next you’ll see Ms. Courtney. She and I met in seminary and there are so many thing I wish you could learn from her. Courtney is good with money and sticking to her word and being careful about boundaries. She’s thoughtful and she’s smart and she cares about people. Seminary was an interesting time for me and I am so grateful for the friends I made then.

Behind Ms. Courtney you’ll see Mr. Denny and next to Ms. Courtney is Mrs. Carol. They have known me since I was a bitty baby! They are good friends to MaeMae and Steve. MaeMae used to keep their son while they were at work so we have lots of memories together. They also go to the church where I grew up and Mr. Denny was my Sunday School teacher and an awesome youth volunteer for years. They have been so excited to help MaeMae and Steve welcome their first grandchild into the family and they have thoughtfully encouraged us along the way.

Next to Mrs. Carol you will see Mrs. Charlene. If Baptists had Saints I would nominate Mrs. Charlene. She’s a very good friend to MaeMae for a long time. Her daughter is my age and we grew up together at church and in high school. Mrs. Charlene is one of the kindest and most generous people I know – and I know some pretty kind and generous people. Her husband is also in your village – he’s your doctor!

Next to Mrs. Charlene you’ll see Ms. Ann. Ms Ann came with Ms. Martha who you will see down the line. Ms. Ann and Ms. Martha go to Epworth where we used to go to church. It’s the first place Bubbie and I took you to church and we went as a family. It is a wonderful place with wonderful and kind people who loved and cared for our family well. Ms. Ann helped in the kitchen and made great meals we enjoyed and Ms. Martha took care of you in the nursery. We were delighted they came to the party to celebrate with us.

Next to Ms. Ann you’ll see Mrs. Diane. Diane was Bubbie’s boss for a while when they both worked at the domestic violence shelter. I also worked with her when I taught Sunday School at Victory Mission. She is a thoughtful person who works to make the world a better place. Bubbie and I are both better people because we’ve gotten to work with her.

Next to Ms. Diane you’ll see Marth, Avery and another Mrs. Ann. (I know its confusing that there is another Martha and Ann.) Their family and our family have been friends since before I was born. MaeMae was friends with Mrs. Ann when she was young and Marth and I grew up together. We both had parents that worked at First Baptist and it seems like we were there together all the time. Avery and Marth and Ann have celebrated your birthdays with you and holidays and my birthdays too. With them – you don’t get just one you get the whole crew and that’s a good thing.

Behind Marth you’ll see Mrs. Susan. She works in the office next to me at Open Door and we go to church with her family. You like her husband Mr. Spence because he is silly with you. You also like her children because they are big kids and pay attention to you at church. Mrs. Susan always makes an effort to sit with our family at church meals. This is a big deal because our family is usually messy and loud at church meals and not the most ideal place to sit for a relaxing meal. Bubbie and I both appreciate this thoughtfulness and the experiences we share as Baptists at St. Thomas now. Mrs. Susan also hosted a baby shower for me and Bubbie before we started fostering. That was a kindness I won’t ever forget.

Behind Mrs. Susan and Mrs. Ann you’ll see Aunti O. You call her “T.O.” most of the time now. She’s your favorite babysitter! She works with me at Open Door and has for lots of years. She’s concerned about people in the world that others sometimes forget about. She also gives the best presents! We’re glad she’s in our village and appreciate her being a part of our family.

Next you’ll see Mrs. Martha from Epworth that I mentioned earlier.

Then – almost taller than anyone else is Melanie. Melanie is Sarah’s girlfriend and we’re real glad she’s in the village. You think she’s the best book reader ever and enjoying singing along with her aquarium song! You also let her braid your hair and it is beautiful. We’re glad life brought Melanie and Sarah together and even more glad that she’s in the village.

In front of Melanie is Mrs. Lauren. She’s married to Mr. Daniel who is standing next to her. I went to seminary at the same time they did although we weren’t really friends until we all ended up back here. Lauren came to my ordination even though we didn’t know each other well and I remember her saying “Even though I don’t know you well I wanted to be supportive.” Lauren has been a chaplain and is now a middle school teacher. She also used to work with me in Circles. I’m glad she brings all of those skills and gifts to your village. Daniel has worked with homeless families and is now working as a chaplain. They’re coming to church at St. Thomas now which we’re very excited about. We care about lots of the same things and are looking for ways to work together on things that matter.

 

Behind Daniel is Mr. Taylor. Mr. Taylor is Rev. Grace’s husband. We sit in front of him most Sundays in church and you enjoy his singing. We’re grateful he’s in the village and that he shares his knowledge and passions with us at St. Thomas.

Next you’ll see Mrs. Jennifer. Mrs. Jennifer has sons my age that I grew up in school with but she’s in the village now because she goes to St. Thomas and we’ve worked together there. She’s a great teacher and leader. She is someone that gets things done! She also cares a lot and knows a lot about new babies and we’ve counted on her several times for good advice!

Next to her you’ll see Mrs. Godwin. I can’t really call her anything else because that’s what I called her in 2^nd grade when she was my teacher’s aide! She has a daughter named Meg so we’ve always had a special connection. She goes to St. Thomas and was one of the first people to make sure we were welcomed when we started going to church there. We sit near her in church too and we appreciate her patience with us! She also makes the BEST cookies and sweet treats and maybe one day she will teach you! One thing that I really appreciate about Mrs. Godwin is that she speaks truth. Truth telling is important and we need more of that in the world – so I’m glad it is in your village.

Behind Mrs. Godwin you can barely see Uncle Richard’s head. Uncle Richard is MaeMae’s brother. You enjoy going to his house and playing with his dog with MaeMae sometimes after school. Auntie Diana is next to him and you appreciate that she gives you nice baby dolls! She just gave you a Cabbage Patch for Christmas that you adore! Being able to grow up in the same area as your relatives is not something that everyone gets to do. I am thankful I got to grow up around grandparents and great-aunts and great-uncles and cousins and aunts and uncles. I am glad you’re getting that too!

Next to Auntie Diana you’ll see  Kati. Kati and I have known each other since middle school when we were in church together. We also lived together for 2 years while I was in school in Atlanta. Next to Kati is her sister Christie. It has been good to reconnect with them since we’re all back in Columbus. They babysit sometimes and invited us to their house when they trusted you with a drink on white carpet. That’s love, kid.

In between Kati and Christie is Sig. Sig is married to Audrey who is next in line. Audrey has been one of my best friends for more than 18 years. We went to church together in middle and high school and then lived together while we were in school in Atlanta. She’s a person I trust with my secrets and who give logical level-headed advice. She gives thoughtful gifts (like a night of babysitting for Mother’s Day) and is one person in the village I believe that I could call at 2 am and she would come without asking questions. We all need a handful of those people. While we don’t see enough of each other as I would like, she is important to me and important to the village. She brought Sig into the village and we’re glad about that to. He’s fun and funny and builds beautiful things!

Behind Audrey  you’ll see Mrs. Barbara. I met her when she started volunteering with Circles as an Ally. She’s a great Ally. She’s a great Ally in the program to her Circle Leaders but she’s also been a great Ally to me. She’s been encouraging to me when I really needed it and when she didn’t even know – and she’s inspiring to me as she loves her family and her friends so well. She’s been on this foster journey with us and we’re so delighted she came to celebrate your adoption.

In front of her you’ll see another Katie. She goes with Stacey who is wearing plaid behind Sarah. Bubbie and I have known Stacey for a long time and recently met Katie when they started dating. They are both very brave and courageous and do the right thing even when it is really hard. They made you a special quilt for the day that folks signed for you. We don’t get to see them as much as we would like, but they’re an important part of the village.

Between Katie and Stacey you’ll see Colleen. I lived with Colleen while I was in Atlanta for school and we worked together at an afterschool program. Colleen is hilarious and thoughtful and an all-around nice person. It sounds generic to say but it is not something you can say about everyone.  We were surprised she came for the party but that’s just how she is. She shows up and you’re glad she’s there!

Behind Colleen you’ll see Uncle John. Growing up I called him Uncle Little John. He’s Steve’s younger brother. (I also had an Uncle Big John that was MaeMae’s older brother.) Uncle John lives in Mobile but we see him often because he comes to take care of Grandmama.(Here’s a good place to say that Grandmama and Aunt Beck would have been here but they were at the beach. Grandmama likes to go in October!) Uncle John grows things that are beautiful and things that taste good. We’re glad he brings those skills to the village. He makes you laugh and chases you and tickles you and hangs you by your ankles. He did the same to me. Ah, the circle of life!

Last, but not least, you’ll see the Revells on the end. You can barely see Mrs. Suzy’s eyes above Stacey’s head. Mrs. Suzy has known me for a long time but we reconnected when we were at Epworth. Mrs. Suzy makes beautiful things with her sewing machine. She’s helped me to learn to applique and embroider too! She’s made you some pretty cool clothes and a quilt to celebrate you adoption too! We also reconnected with Mandy and Carson at Epworth and their kids. Bubbie played softball with them and you liked playing with Crosby in the mud and dirt and the practices and games. Now you go to school with them and we see them almost every day. They came to your birthday party last year and Crosby’s birthday party was the first you ever went to when you came to live with us. It’s nice as a parent to have parent friends. We’re glad they’re in the village!

Whew. It has taken me longer than I thought to write this down for you Sweet Sam – but I am glad I did. I want you to know and remember who was at this party and who the folks are in this picture. You should also know that there are lots of folks in the village who weren’t there to celebrate with us that day but are important to us.

Most of all know that love looks like all kinds of things and all kinds of people. We need to make sure that we always have people around us with different gifts and knowledge and experiences. Looking for those things in others and sharing those things that we have with others makes life so much richer. Bubbie and I believe that it really does take a village to raise a child. We are grateful for the villages that raised us and the village that is forming to raise you. Look at these faces, kid. They are your village. You’ll add people to this group as you grow and we will add some people too, but these are the people who celebrate you now and celebrate our family. Learn from them. Pay attention to them. Know them and listen to them. The world is a better place because they are all here and you’ll be a better person because each of them is in your village.

I love you, Sweet Sam.

Mama

Happy Birthday and Welcome Back Baby J!

Dear (Bigger) Baby J,

You’ve been back in our home since November 9^th. I’m sorry I didn’t write this letter sooner but there’ve been lots of changes in our family that make sitting down and writing harder and harder. (Don't take it personally. We had a baby in September/October that I never even wrote about. I spent most of the time she was with us at the hospital with her but never got to write.)

When you left our house in March you went to live with an Aunt who lived in town. That aunt and uncle had to move out of state because of a military move and so that meant you needed a place to be. Your mom had been working to get you back and we thought it would just be for a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks have turned into a couple of months and you’re still with us. Your mom has had another baby and that has delayed you being able to go home with her right now. We still think it will happen soon.

But the big news is  - today is your birthday!

When we brought you home from the hospital earlier this year we had no idea we would know you on this day. You’re a totally different kid from the 4.6 pound baby I left the hospital with that day. You’ve totally caught up with weight and height and almost all of your milestones. You’re standing on your on and almost ready to walk.

You are a super chill baby and love to laugh. In fact this morning Bubbie and I were talking about you’re almost annoyingly too cheerful…if that’s possible. You have a deep husky voice and already sound like a little old man. You’re a good sleeper and eater and are drooling all the time from your growing teeth. You’ve fit right back in our family. It hasn’t been super easy to have you back but we’re glad you’re here. We were happy to celebrate your first Christmas and we’re happy to celebrate your first birthday. We will get together tonight with your family and let them celebrate with you.

We don’t know how long you’ll be with us, J but we promise to love you and take care of you as long as you need us. We’ve said that before and we meant it then and we mean it now.

Love, Meggie

Adoption Day

Sweet Sam,

I’ve waited 1,092 days to be able to write it this letter and now I can! We celebrated your adoption day on October 13 and now you’re our daughter forever and ever.

When we started fostering we imagined that one day we might be able to adopt a child through foster care. We anticipated it might take years to meet the child that would be forever ours. You were our third placement. We only were licensed for about 2 months before we met you. So our waiting was not waiting to get to meet you – it was waiting to get to be your parents forever. And it was worth it. 

Along the way someone told me that trusting God means also trusting God’s timing. That was really really hard sometimes but we trusted and we see now the beautiful parts of trusting that timing.

You’ve taught me so much in these years of being your mom.

From you I’ve learned that nurture matters and that nature matters and we can never downplay the role that either plays in our lives and growth.

You’ve taught me that being a mom is the most beautiful and meaningful thing I can ever do. You’ve also taught me that being a mom is the most frustrating and exhausting thing I can ever do.

Your first family taught me that the world and its problems are complex and that everyone has a backstory that is often filled with so much hurt and pain I can’t even imagine it. They’ve also taught me what sacrificial love looks like. From your first mom I learned what it really looks like to make a decision based on what’s best for your child even when it hurts your heart so bad it breaks into a million pieces.

This process taught me to trust God more than I trust other people, more than I trust my own logic, and more than I trust my own ability to plan and control.

Becoming your mom has helped me learn to take risks even when they don’t make sense to anyone else around us. Becoming your mom helped me learn how to live in and even to lean into the unknown.

Being your mom has taught me that love always wins and that love is always always always worth it – even when it hurts.

It has taken me a couple of weeks to be able to write this for several reasons – partially things have been really busy for us as a family with lots of changes going on. I also hoped we would have some pictures soon from your adoption day we could share – and maybe we’ll add those when we get them. But I think its also taken me awhile because it needed to really sink in.

When mommies have babies in their tummies they have months to get used to the idea that they’ll be a mother. I didn’t get to have you in my tummy so I missed that time. I’ve been your Mama for 3 years so I could see how some people might think I had all that time to get used to it. But the hard part about those three years was that as much as I was your Mama and loving you and taking care of you – I always had this little voice in my head and heart that kept reminding me I might not get to be your Mama forever. When the judge signed the adoption papers, that little voice was silenced. It has to be quiet now and that’s what my head and heart needed some time to get used to.

Even though I’ve gotten used to the idea in the past couple of weeks, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being amazed by it. I get to be your mom. Bubbie gets to be your mom. Out of everyone else in the world we get to be your parents and help and watch you grown up. This seems like a big job. You’re a super strong willed independent little girl. But just as we trusted God with the risk taking and the timing, we will trust God to help us know how to best be your parents. We have no doubt that you are meant for our family. 

You asked me this week if we could get another baby in our house soon. I love that you're growing up knowing that babies are welcome and taken care of in our house. I am so excited that now I can tell you that other babies that come might have to someday go - but that you get to stay forever. 

I'm honored to be your Mama. 

I love you. 

Mama

We finally have a date!

Sweet S,

I haven’t written here in a long time. My Timehop on my phone is full of reminder of how I used to do this more often. I am grateful for those days and the ways I recorded your first months with us. But time goes on and things are different now. As you grow your milestones are more spread out and as we grow together the days blend and blur together so that months pass and things just seem normal. Your time with us now is measured in years and not months. I am grateful for this change.

About a two weeks ago Mr. John at church told us he thought we had an adoption date. This was such good news and we’ve waited so long for us that it has taken some time to sink in.  So – on October 13^th we will go to a fancy room in a big building and a judge will sign a piece of paper that will make you my daughter forever and Bubbie’s daughter forever. In your head and heart you’ve always been our daughter so this day may not make sense to you – but as you get older you’ll learn how big of a deal this is. It means that we won’t have to ask permission to take you out of the state or cut your hair. It means that if you get sick and go to the hospital the only people I have to call are people in our village – and not case workers. It means that no one will come to our house every month to check on you. It means you can finally be baptized. It means you’ll have a new name – a new middle name and a new last name. It means the state will no longer pay for your daycare and give us a clothing allowance for you (bummer!). It means I can post pictures and videos of you on social media without your face covered and your school can take pictures of you and share them. It means a lot of things – some big and some small but some things won’t change at all. For the most part our lives on October 14 won’t be very different than they were on October 12^th. I’ll still be your mama and you’ll still be my Sam. This just all makes it official so everyone will know.

On October 13 of this year you will have been alive for 1309 days. You’ve will have lived 1092 of those days with us and for many of those days we’ve been pretty sure that this is how things would turn out.  October 13^th won’t be your “gotcha” day. We recognize that happened years ago. October 13 will be your adoption day. The day your last name will match ours. The day everybody else becomes sure of what we’ve known for a while…that love is love. That in this broken world there is hope and grace and beauty and redemption everywhere we look. That we have to leave room for things we think are unimaginable. That we can do hard things. That you are wanted and chosen and cherished. That you are worth it. That in our joy and happiness we know your first mom’s heart still misses you. That our family is bigger and better because you’re in it. That you and your first family have changed the way we think about family. That it has taken, is taking, and will take a village to raise you and we have the very best village around.

I can’t wait until October 13^th. We’re going to the courthouse! A few days later we’ll celebrate the adoption with our church family and then have a big party with our village. Maybe one day we’ll get to go to Disney World to celebrate. I can’t wait.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

Mama

A Watched Pot Never Boils.

We're waiting on another placement and it is all I can think about. S is doing well. Loving being three and enjoying swimming lessons this week and last. K is growing and changing everyday and is almost walking! We have court again in July for K and are getting 100% mixed messages from DFCS about what to expect and what might happen. So we wait and see and pray and love in the meantime!

We like having three kids but were told we had to wait until S's adoption was final until we accepted another placement. So we've been waiting. The adoption is taking longer than we thought (but everything is with the judge now and we're literally just waiting on a date!)

While I was out of town last week with no cell reception, I missed a call from the placement person for our county. When I got her message days later my heart soared and sank at once. The county had an huge influx of babies in one week and they were desperate. She was calling and willing to bend the rules and let us have another baby in this waiting time. But we missed it. I don't know who the baby was they were calling about, but I can't help but wonder.

I joked with friends at a foster parent training this weekend that we won't get a baby now because now would be a good time. We've typically only gotten placements when something crazy is happening and it could be potentially disastrous timing. Right now would be an okay time to adjust and get settled in - so of course it won't happen!

I read a blog post recently that briefly catalogued the placements that family had and it made me want to do the same. I'm writing this primarily for myself - but isn't that what most blogs are anyway?!?

Our first call for a placement came in the middle of the night. Literally. There was an eight month old baby girl who was coming to our county from another county. She had been in the care of relatives there but needed to come into care officially in our county. We never learned why this had to happen in the middle of the night, but in the middle of the night is not the time to ask questions. We said yes and got up and waited for her to arrive. C turned out to be seven months old and was tiny, high strung, and blonde! She made us parents. We took her to the beach a couple of weeks after we got her on a trip we'd planned with Susie's parents. She stayed with us about six weeks and then went back to live with the relatives/family friends officially.

The next call also came in the early early morning. State troopers had pulled over a drunk driver and there were two little boys in the truck. We said yes and went to meet them where they had been pulled over. This saved time and DFCS trying to figure out car seats (they hadn't been in carseats in the truck). J was four and B was eleven months. We didn't learn this or their real names until after they left. We had them for just three days. Long enough for DFCS to sort out what happened. The drunk driver hadn't been a parent so the boys were cleared to go home with mom. It was the first time we had two kids at once. It was wild and busy and hard because we had no real info about the boys until after they left!

The next call came just a few days after they left. Two more boys. Brothers. 3 and 5. Susie had been at the DFCS office earlier in the day and had seen them come in. Something didn't feel right. We didn't think we were ready for two at once again - especially two old enough to really ask questions about what was happening. They seemed like too much for us at that point. Not a good fit. We said no. The first time you say no is so so hard but we knew it was right.

The next call came on a Thursday afternoon. The police had a little girl who had been at home when her parents were arrested for fighting each other and repeatedly calling 911. They told us she was nine months old. Susie got to DFCS first. I met her there as she was getting to know S. They gave us a diaper bag that had one diaper and "little barrel" sugar water drinks. S turned out to really be seven months old. She had obviously been left alone in an infant carrier most of her seven months. The following Thursday we drove to Washington DC for friends' wedding celebrations and took her. It was a good thing she was a chill traveler. It was an adventure for sure! This summer S will become our forever daughter.

Months later, we decided we were ready for two kids again. Susie and S were out of town at her parents and I was home alone getting over Hand Foot and Mouth Disease! The call came for a three month old girl who would likely be short term. There was some confusion about which relative was supposed to have the baby and they needed a placement just until that was sorted out. I called and friend and said "can you help because I can't do this by myself still sick?!" She said yes so I said yes. They worker showed up with a six week old baby boy! We had J for 16 months. When he left us he went to his grandmother. He is the only babe to leave us that we still don't feel good about. He has some special needs we were concerned about being met. We hadn't had any contact for months and randomly his mother called me last week. We'll see what happens but we would love to see him again!

Our fifth placement is K who we still have. Susie and I attended a foster parent training on Saturday and the placement person made a comment about the high number of kids in care and reaching a new point of need when "there was a baby ready to go home from the hospital and no one to take the baby." After the training I told her that we had never had three kids and didn't really have a place for a baby to sleep other than the dining room - but that if she needed us to we could take that baby. We just felt like it would be okay! At work on Monday I got a call letting me know to come get the baby girl! Literally on the way home from work - with nothing except the car seat we were using for J -  I stopped and hospital and picked up K - who was very much a boy. He was the most difficult babe we've had with horrible reflux and colic. But now - he's a super charming 14 month old who is an important part of our family. He came into care because he already had a sister in care. She was in a different foster home that couldn't take newborns.

The next call came about another baby boy! He just needed a place for a few weeks. We said no - we didn't think we could do four kids. (Our friends said yes and he's still at their house! Few weeks turned into nearly a year!)

Our 6th placement was B - our Christmas kid. We got a call a few days before Christmas about a kid who was coming from another county. His mom lived in our county but had been shoplifting in another part of the state while he was with her. When she was arrested, there was no one to come get him, so he was put into care in the other county and transferred here. He was with us for seven days while things were sorted out for him to go home with mom. Things were really delayed by courts and offices being closed for the holidays. It was a wild holiday.

Our 7th placement - 8th kid - was Baby J. We got a call about this baby on a Thursday afternoon (have I mentioned Thursdays used to be my super busiest days at work??). There was a baby in the NICU that was ready to go home. He was coming into care because he had a sibling already in care. We didn't get him until almost a week later because we had to go pass all the tests to be able to bring him home since he was so small. J was with us for almost four months and then went to live with an aunt. We still communicate with them and see pictures from time to time.

Who will be next?

Letter for K - Things Change!

Dear K,

We had an interesting meeting yesterday afternoon. We met your case worker and your sister’s foster mom at DFCS. We thought the meeting was to sit together and schedule transitional visits for you to move to Ms. L’s house. But the first thing the case worker told us was that she had talked to folks about the case and they wanted us to consider adopting you! They think it will be best for Ms. L to keep your sister and for us to keep you. This was really shocking for us! We’re not really sure yet how to feel.

Of course we love you and want to be your parents as long as we can be. We just hadn’t been letting ourselves believe it would be forever.

We’re not sure why DFCS isn’t going to push for you and your sister to be in the same home. I think they feel like since you haven’t ever lived together it is less important. Ms. L. and me and Bubbie talked about things we could do to make sure you and your sister know each other if this is how things end up.

Being foster parents – and being your parents – means we’re having to ask ourselves questions we don’t know how to answer. What’s best for you? What’s best for us? What’s best for your sister and Ms. L? How much does biology matter? Should the most important thing be getting the two of you in a home together? How do we best fight for you? Will you regret one day not growing up every day with your sister? Will we regret not fighting for that? Does there even need to be a fight?

We know your case comes back before the judge in July or August and after that DFCS is 90% sure TPR will be filed and you’ll be adopted by a non-relative. We are happy to be considered as a great adoptive fit for you. We are the only parents you’ve known. Our home is home for you.

My heart is happy and cautious. My head is cautious and concerned. We’re committed to figuring this thing out together. You are worth fighting for kiddo. Your Bubbie and I will continue to pray and think and talk to others and pray and talk together about making these choices.

There are a lot of things that we don’t know the answer to today. But there are things we know for sure:

We love God and God gives us the strength and wisdom and calling and hope to be able to do this.

We love each other and love that fostering is a part of our family.

We love you. And we will continue to love you in the very best ways we can figure out.

Love,

Meggie

2 BIG days!

Dear S,

We’ve had a BIG two days.

Yesterday marked the end of your bio father's period where he could change his mind about surrendering his rights. No one expected him to change his mind. But I did breathe a small sigh of relief when the end of the business day got there. He decided 10 days ago that he really wanted to make your adoption happen as quickly and as smoothly as possible and went and told the people at DFCS. You should know that he cried about it. He cried and cried. He also called you to hear your voice on the phone. You talked to him for a minute and told him about your day at school. When you told him “bye” he cried some more. He loves you, Sweets, and he really wants what is best for you.

We saw your entire first family last night. We met them at a park to celebrate your birthday. Your first mom, Gigi, and bio father were there. Each of your first grandmas was there. Your Aunt K was there with some of your cousins. And some of your half-siblings were there.

There was cake and sausages and lots of presents. You let everyone play with you as you ran and stayed on the swings forever. You even went down the tallest slide with no fear. Your bio dad hasn’t seen you since you were 10 months old. He couldn’t  believe how beautiful and smart and brave you are. He told me over and over and over that he appreciates us taking care of you and knows you’re in the right place. He might be moving soon to be near some of his other children but he wants to always hear from you and be able to watch you grow up. We’ve told him this is ok as long as he is a safe and stable person for you. He knows you don’t need any drama.

Your first mom was happy to see you too. She says you’ve gotten more beautiful since we saw her in January.

A lot of people don’t understand why we spent two hours in the park last night with people who seem to be really different than us. We spent that time together because we love you. Your Bubbie and I don’t want to ever be dishonest about where you came from or how you came to us. We know you will have questions and we promise and answer them as honestly as we can – even if that means the answer is “I don’t know.” Right now we tell you that the people we met in the park are a part of your family. We know this explanation won’t be enough for you in the years to come, but we’re ready to answer the questions when you’re ready to ask them. There are lots of kinds of families and lots of kinds of love. We can’t have too much of either.

If yesterday was a big day, today is even bigger! This afternoon Bubbie and I met some important people at the DFCS office and signed some important papers. The papers said that we are agreeing to adopt you and that DFCS wants us to adopt you. We’ll take these papers to our lawyer tomorrow who will take them to a judge. Then a judge will call us to meet him and we will go and he will make it official. You will be completely and officially ours.

In your little heart and mind right how you don’t know anything except being ours and I am thankful for that. But as you get older we will tell you the stories of these days. Stories about your first family. Stories about case workers and lawyers. Stories about signing our names on LOTS of papers. Stories about taking a selfie in the elevator with a simple black binder that holds all kinds of official information. Stories about how we’ve waited and prayed and wanted this day to happen for so long. Stories about how all of this makes you officially our kid.

Its been a wild ride kid. A wild 901 days. I’ve been your Mama for a while now according to everyone who really matters but I can’t wait to take you to the court house and hear a judge tell us its official!

Love,

Mama

Dear K, Loving a Child That is Leaving

Dear K,

We found out last week you will more than likely be leaving us in the coming months to go live with your sister in the foster home where she has been since you were born. Your sister is S’s age so we’ve said all along that she’s been preparing you well for having an older sister! At first we thought your sister might be moving to our house. It seemed big and scary and overwhelming but also really important that you two be in the same home as you get older. Especially if it looks like you won’t be going back to your birth Mama. (Nothing is for sure decided on that front. The only thing that is certain is that she has a lot to do to be able to parent you both and that will likely take a long time for her to get it done.) As it turns out, the foster mom who has your sister is willing to welcome you into her home too. She loves your sister and recognizes the transition for her at her age will likely be harder than moving you at your age.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how best to love you right now. How do I love a child that is leaving?

First of all, you should know that nothing changes about my love. I still love you and am committed to taking the very best care of you that I can as long as I can.

Second, I am committed to making the transition that is coming as healthy as possible for you and your sister. Family reunification is important  - even if that is “reunifying” siblings who only know each other through one hour a week visits.

Third, I am going to remember that balance matters. It is tempting to indulge you and lean towards spoiling you a little. When you want to take a bottle with you to bed for instance – I could say to myself “He’ll only be here a few more weeks” and let it go. But I know that’s not what you need in the long run. You’ve just started in-home occupational therapy to help with some eating issues. It would be really easy to not make those visits happen and just push it off onto your next home to deal with. But instead I’m freezing you baby food pellets and introducing you to as many textures as I can think of, per the instructions of the Occupational Therapist we met last week. There may be extra hugs and snuggles and smiles your way. You don’t seem to mind being rocked these days and being reminded of the song I have sang to you every night since you were five days old… But who couldn’t use more songs and snuggles and hugs!

I’m preparing you to leave by trying to keep everything the same. It is one of the crazy contradictions of foster care. I want stability and normalcy for you and for all of us. We know the transition is coming but we have time to get ready. When we start the transition you’ll gradually start spending more time at their house and less time at ours until you spend all your time there. Even though we know this is coming, we don’t really need to change anything about today.

You’re the first babe I got to bring home from the hospital. You’re by far the most difficult kiddo (health wise) we’ve had! You’ll always have a special place in our hearts for those reasons. If we could we would love you and welcome you into our family forever. We are open to that. But we also know that being with your sister is important and if we can help make that happen for everyone in a happy and healthy way, we will gladly help.

So, Little Man, we are not going to spoil you rotten because we know you’re leaving. We’re not going to put off the hard work of getting you where you should be with milestones because you’re leaving. We’re not going to stop paying attention to you and start distancing ourselves from you because you’re leaving. We’re going to keep on loving you. One day – one hour – one minute – and one frozen baby food pellet at a time! Like our song says “I’ve got confidence My Lord will see us through…no matter what the day may bring…”

I love you, K.

Meggie

One more week!

Dear Baby J,

We thought you would be leaving us today to go live with an aunt. We learned last night they’re not quite ready for you yet so it looks like we have another week to love you. You’re growing so much every day. Dr. Tom says you’ve gained an average of an ounce a day since we’ve had you and that is outstanding! (If it were only as easy to lose an ounce a day I would be delighted!)

You’re holding your head up and looking around more and more. You’re staying awake a little long between each feeding. We’ve had a couple of instances of projectile spit-up that we would like to not repeat – but mostly you’re happy and healthy. You have grey-blue eyes still and have the best hair! You’re going to be quite a handsome fella!

It looks like our time together will be ending soon but we hope to stay in touch with your family and be able to watch you grow from a distance. We’ve learned so much about babies and caring for the smallest among us by parenting you. We’ve also learned a lot about ourselves and our family by having you around. We’re thankful for the village we have who support us and love us and help us take care of you.

We love you little guy!

Love,

Meggie

Happy Birthday, Sweet S!

Dear Sweet S,

You are three years old today! We will celebrate with friends and family this weekend but we celebrated all day today too. “Sah” was here when you woke up and we sang Happy Birthday to you. You had donuts on the way to school for breakfast, had a special outfit to wear, and I brought treats for your class after nap. You were excited for Sah and me to be at your school and we were glad to be there. We had big cupcakes which you and your friends enjoyed. We had a special dinner out with Mae Mae, Steve, Sah, Lola, and Aunt Pissy. You got to ride home in Mae Mae’s car and talked them into stopping for both bananas and ice cream on the way home.

I wish I could tell you about the day you were born. I didn’t get to be there. Another woman saw you first, heard your first cries, gave you your first bath, and changed your first diapers. There are a lot of first that you and I have shared together since then, but those very first firsts I missed.  I’ve seen pictures of that day and what I do know is that you were born into a family that loved you. There we lots of people who came to the hospital to see you. Your GiGi was SO happy you were born and you were healthy. Grover was glad to have a daughter. Your older brothers and sisters were delighted with you. Your cousins and aunts and uncles came to celebrate. The day you were born was a really really big deal.

Your first birthday we got to celebrate with you! You had been living in our house for about  6 months. We celebrated with lots of friends and family in the front yard at our old house. Celebrating your birthday at that house is one of my favorite memories. We had hot dogs and hamburgers and a cake I made. We had bright decorations and lots of fun.

Your second birthday seems like it was just last week. On your actual 2^nd birthday we were out of town celebrating a wedding with friends so we had your birthday party a little late. You were really into Mexican food so we had your party at a Mexican restaurant. You loved the balloons, cake, burritos, and presents! Lots of friends and family were there with us to celebrate.

This year we will another party at our new house. Bubbie and I are busy making plans and are excited to have some other children at this party for you to play with. We hope you will have a great time!

Birthdays are times we celebrate life. We celebrate you living another year. We celebrate the life you bring to our family and our world. We celebrate us making it another year as your parents. This foster thing we’re doing together means we have lots of “anniversaries” or special days we celebrate. Your birthday is a big one. On this day I do think about GiGi and how much she loves you. You brought and still bring light and life to her world too. I imagine this day is hard for her but I know she celebrates too. I thank God for her and how she made a really hard decision to share your life with us.

 

Your third year of life was a wild ride. You’re growing and learning every day. You are so smart. You’re kind to babies and old people. You are busy all the time figuring things out. You love dressing up and baby dolls. You’re a quite good big sister and mommy to your babies. You are a great eater and have almost mastered potty training. You love to sing and have started to make up new songs. You’re making friends at school and learning how to be kind and sweet. You like to count and prefer numbers over letters or colors. You still want to everything yourself if at all possible. It is a delight and joy to watch you becoming your own person.

I can’t wait to see what this year brings us, Sweet Girl. I hope it brings finalization with your adoption. I hope it brings growth and health. I hope it brings joy and adventure. Happy Birthday, S! I am so glad you were born and that I get to be your Mama.

Love, Mama

Dear Baby J

Dear Baby J,

You are by far the smallest baby I have ever seen or held or cared for in real life. You came into this world two months early and needed to spend some extra time in the hospital letting your body catch up. You came home with us on January 11 and we are loving having you! (We spent the previous weekend going back and forth to the hospital learning how to care for you and getting to know you.) We are sure sad you had to spend this time in the hospital  but we do appreciate the schedule they have you on.

Right now you basically sleep for 4 hours, wake up, get changed, eat, and go back to sleep. You are wanting to stay awake a little more each time but mostly you’re just a sleepy head! But that’s ok! Without a doubt it is what you need to be doing! You’ve gained an ounce a day since you’ve been with us, are keeping your jaundice numbers down, and maintaining your body temp like a champ. The doctor says everything is as it should be.

S already calls you “my baby” and wants to smother you with kisses. K is a little suspicious of you drinking out of bottles that look a lot like his. You’re fitting right in!

We’ve visited with your mom and family several times and they’re working to get you back with them. We hope that happens soon,  but we’re happy to care for you until then. You should know that we value sleep a lot in our home, but have happily given up the thought of a whole night sleep to be able to love and care for you right now.

Welcome to the family, J! We’re happy you’re here and are so enjoying watching you grow!

Love,

Meggie

Dear B

Dear B,

You were our Christmas kid. We’ll always remember Christmas 2015 as the Christmas you were with us. You had such a confusing 10 days. You went from being with your mom to two different foster homes in just a weekend. Then you were just with us for 7 days. It just happened that Christmas – the best and craziest time of the year happened in those 7 days. If it hadn’t been Christmas you could have gone home sooner because offices would have been open.

We spent our time together with family and friends. You met lots of people and went several places. We saw the lights at Callaway Gardens together. We celebrated Christmas Eve and our house together. You are such a special boy. You’re interested in the world around you and seem to be taking it all in in ways other kids don’t. Even with the difference in your house and our house you seemed to fit right in and tried to go with the flow. (We know now you had ear infections during that week and hate that meant you weren’t feeling your best.)

We were glad to be there for you when you needed us. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew that some kids would stay for a while and some kids wouldn’t. You weren’t the shortest placement we’ve had – but you were close! You wore us out kiddo, in mostly all good ways. We’ve parented two 18-month olds but have never had a kid that age come into our home. We learned a lot!

We hope you had a Merry Christmas in our home and that you’re doing well back with your mom and grandma and brother. You were loved while you were with us and you’ll forever be a part of our big foster family.

Love,

Meggie