Two Months

Dear Baby S.,

Yesterday we celebrated two months of you living with us and on Saturday we celebrated your 9th month of life in this world! It has been quite a month!

So many things happened when I was writing your first letter I forgot that you also got to meet Auntie Diana and Uncle Richard several times and that you saw Dr. Tom. Auntie Diana gave you a big stuffed gorilla that you love climbing on and you liked Dr. Tom – except when he sent his nurses in to give you 7 shots! Ouch!

So this month…wow!

You have perfected the art of the staring contest. You love to watch people and people love to watch you.

Every morning when you sit on the bed while I dry my hair you have a heated conversation with this Little People race car driver. When I hand it to you you start talking and waving the toy around. I don’t know what the toy has done to offend you in a previous life, but you’re telling it all about it now. I’ve given you other toys of the same variety and they don’t have the same effect!

You’re starting to make so much noise! You growl at us – especially when we tell you “no” when you’re trying to claw our faces off. You “talk” all the time and get mad about things like having to put a shirt on or us not letting you chew on the edge of table in a restaurant. I am sure you are cussing us in baby language but mostly it sounds like “da da dit dit.” I think you’re going to have quite the temper.

You’re getting to be more cuddly. Which I couldn’t be happier about. Sometimes in the name of “making sure you’re still breathing” I sneak into your room when you’re sleeping and lift you out of the crib in the dark. You barely wake up and snuggle into my neck. I love these moments. I love that you feel so safe with us you let this happen. It is starting to happen more and more – even when I don’t trick you into it while you’re sleeping. When it happens, it sure is hard to put you down. So sometimes I don’t. Because in those moments the most important thing I have to do is hold you. And let you feel safe. Safe enough to lay your head down. Safe enough to trust us. (Once we even got a picture!)

You’re loving moving around! You love jumping in the doorway. You loved it even more when you realized you could peel the paint off of the door frame. Needless to say, we found another door frame! You started the month scooting – mostly backwards which really frustrated you. You just got farther from what it was you really wanted! Now you’ve discovered rolling and do it with fairly reliable accuracy. Your quick rolling and insatiable curiosity led to an ER visit this month. We thought you swallowed a paperclip. But you didn’t. Just had two in your mouth. Even at the ER you were a trooper  - making other kids around us who didn’t feel very good laugh and play.

We’ve had several visits with your mom. Bubbie has been taking you to these. Your mom is happy to see you each time and I am glad you seem happy to see her. She has several things she has to do before you can go live with her again and we hope and pray that she is working hard to be able to be a good parent for you. She brought you a doll the last time you saw her. You’re not old enough to play with it yet so we’ve put it up until you’re older.

You had an EPIC First Thanksgiving! Epic! We started by making handprint turkeys for friends and family. It was messy but you didn’t mind.

For Thanksgiving we went over several rivers and through the woods to Bubbie’s parents house! They couldn’t wait to meet you! We had Thanksgiving lunch with Bubbie’s dad’s family and dinner with Bubbie’s mom’s family. You were delightful and very social. You really seem to like older people and showing off for them – especially Mrs. Robbie! The days after Thanksgiving we drove all over two counties so Bubbie’s parents could show you off! You met all kinds of new friends! We also got to meet our friends Susan and Angela for supper on Friday. I was glad to see them and so glad they got to meet you! Your first Thanksgiving was just what Thanksgiving was supposed to be like. Lots of friends and family who love each other spending time together, acknowledging the good things in our life and the gifts we’ve been given, and good food! This Thanksgiving I was most thankful for you and the others kiddos I’ve gotten to love on and for the way my family is a family.

We celebrated Uncle Richard’s 70^th birthday with a special meal and you got to have ice cream! Any more time with Auntie Diana and you would be rotten for sure!

So far this year you’ve seen Santa 3 times! We saw Santa with Parker, Patrick, and their parents in Macon. You loved him and we got an extra free picture because you were so cute and Santa’s helper couldn’t decide which picture was better!

We saw Santa a second time at a party for kids who are living with foster families right now. This Santa was different but you loved him too!

The 3^rd Santa you met was really more like Father Christmas. He was at Callaway Gardens for Fantasy in Lights. Aunt Missy took us all this week. We rode the trolley even though it was very cold. We all bundled up and braved it! You loved the people, and the lights, and dancing to the music!

We’ve spent some time talking about the real reason for Christmas. We were talking about baby Jesus and you reached for him and put him in your mouth. That’s how you experience the world right now so it seems fitting that you’d want to get to know Jesus that way too.

We have Christmas tree in our living room that you helped us pick out. It was quite a fiasco getting it home and in the house – and then decorated – but we got it done and it is beautiful! You enjoy the lights…and rolling to try and pull Bubbie’s red Chinese tassels off!

You also legitimately have a tooth! Your first tooth is on the bottom in the middle and it’s a force to be reckoned with! I think one right next to it is coming soon. We are ready! You got a little grumpy with the tooth and had an upset tummy – but it didn’t really slow you  down!

Last month I told you the most important thing I could tell you and I’ll say it again. You are loved.

I read a letter another Foster Mama wrote to a baby girl she was taking care of and it really really says the things I want to say. Her letter is here: http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/11/a-letter-to-our-borrowed-baby/ and I’ve borrowed some of her words to share with you.

Bubbie and I will love you and take care of you because it is the right thing to do – even when it is not fun or easy or rewarding. Now, don’t get us wrong – we really do enjoy you and have fun with you but sometimes its not easy to not be able to promise you all we want to be able to promise you. I want to be able to promise you a safe and happy home forever. And stability. And that decisions – by those who gave you life, and those charged with taking care of you now - will always be made based on what is best for you. I’d like to promise that one day you’ll see the handprint turkey you made and marvel about how small your hand was on your first thanksgiving. I’d like to promise that pictures of you with Santa next year will be put somewhere safe with the pictures of you from this year. I’d like to promise that you wouldn’t again be the recipient of a Valentines Bear for Christmas at the Christmas party for foster kids. Its hard not to be able to promise those things but I can’t because they aren’t in my control. And to be honest, even if I’d birthed you I couldn’t really promise those things. 

But I can promise you some things. I promise to love you. I promise to treat your family with respect and kindness (something that I need to be better about). I promise to make sure your needs are met and do what I can to be sure you are safe and loved as long as I can. I promise to treat each day like it matters. Because each day does matter and I want us all to be better people because today happened. And Baby S.   -  you matter. You won’t fall through the cracks or be forgotten about. You are smart. You are a creature of beauty and delight.

In a week we will celebrate Christmas. Your first Christmas and my first Christmas as a parent. Its amazing the difference a baby can make. I hope one day you’ll know about the baby that Christmas celebrates and how much He loves you.

Love,

Meggie

We Survived Our First ER Trip

See what had happened was...

We were at my second job (the one with awesome teenagers who are going to change the world) and Susie was talking to the teens upstairs. I was downstairs with Baby S. I put her on the floor (her new favorite place) on a rug and went to shut the door. As soon as I got back in she'd rolled to the other side of the room, lifted up the rug and found paperclips.

She looked at me with one hanging out of her mouth like she was smoking it. I grabbed it. And (remembering all that CPR loveliness) swooped another out of her mouth.

So that little incident earned us a trip to the ER. I called the dr's after hours number and the woman asked the dumbest questions (like if the child was still actively choking- after I told her this happened 2 hours before, and if I knew how many paperclips there had been on the floor). After her pointless questions she said to go have an X-ray.

Baby S was a trooper. For the hours this process took.

Let's just hope that none of us caught anything from the others we had to sit in close close proximity to in a tiny room.

What a great lesson in how fast babies move. One that I wish we hadn't learned - but could have ended so much worse!

Visit

We had a visit with Baby S's parents this morning. This is the first time they've made it in 5 weeks. I was surprised they did because the weather here is icky today. They wanted a visit before Thanksgiving. It is the little one's first Thanksgiving, after all.

These visits are hard and strange for everyone except maybe Baby S. (The elementary age kids coming out of a visit right before us were having to be peeled kicking and crying off of mom. And the teens that went in the room right behind us looked less than apathetic about their visit. I can't imagine doing this with an older kid.) It messed up Baby S's schedule today for sure because she missed a nap and ate lunch late but she will recover soon. She isn't yet stuck in the in between of divided loyalties.

Visits are supposed to be supervised by DFCS staff but so far - with any of the kiddos we've fostered - haven't been. The case worker wasn't there today so I stayed in the room with the three of them. We got to talk about Baby S - how she is eating, sleeping, almost crawling, and what sounds she's making. Its just a strange thing - to know more about a child than the child's mother.

Her parents brought her two new outfits for cold weather. I hope they fit.

Her parents shared a little of what they know from their perspective of what is happening with the case. Its more than we knew but still not much.

There is a court date for December 4th. I am not sure what is to be decided that date. The parents don't have a case plan yet to work. So it won't be to return her to them. Maybe it will be to agree on the plan? Who knows. Dad said he started the process for legitimization so that's something.

They said over and over they were glad she was will good people. So I am glad I come across as "good people." :)

One month

Dear Baby S,

Last week marked one month of your life you’ve spent in our home and the day you turned 8 months old. There are so many things I want to remember about this month. So many things someone should be remembering so you can know one day.

Parker Palmer (who is a pretty cool writer and activist) writes in his book Let Your Life Speak about his granddaughter. He got to spend a lot of time with her as an infant and came to realize that “she did not show up as raw material to be shaped into whatever image the world might want her to take. She arrived with her own gifted form, with the shape of her own sacred soul. Biblical faith calls it the image of God in which we are all created. Thomas Merton calls it true self. Quakers call it the inner light, or ‘that of God’ in every person. The humanist tradition calls it identity and integrity. No matter what you call it, it is a pearl of great price.”

What I want to make sure you know is that baby girl, you’ve got it.

You are almost a totally different baby than you were a month ago – except for your smile. You came to us with that incredible smile. It is contagious. Lots of people have commented that they can’t believe you are so happy considering the circumstances you came from. The only way I can explain it is that it is that inner light thing Parker Palmer talks about. The image of God in which you were created. Your own sacred soul.

This month you’ve made lots of people smile. 

You joined us right before a big important week at my work and your presence made that week better – not more stressed as I was worried. Just having your around is calming. We drove to Washington D.C. for a wedding and you were a champ in the car! Only once were you upset in the whole 30 plus hours of driving. You witnessed two people committing to love each other forever and your presence just added to the love in that place. You got to visit the Natural History Museum, the Holocaust Museum, and see all the monuments on a night tour.

We celebrated your first Halloween at Family Fun Night with our Circles family. You stole the show in your pig outfit. I dressed as a farmer and Bubbie made a tractor out of boxes and dressed as a tractor. We made the back of her car a stable – but you were the best part. By far.

You got to meet friends and family in Macon as we celebrated Bubbie’s 36th birthday. You had your first spend the night party with Sarah and Kristen and made friends with Remi the dog who was sad you weren’t staying to be his puppy forever. You met Parker and Patrick and their mommy who has helped me tremendously these past few months. You met Uncle Jar and Aunt Maggie and made special friends with their new puppy Kazoo. You danced around the Indian restaurant with Raam on the first night of Diwali as we ate our favorite Indian food.

You met the teens of Infusion and were willing to be passed from teenager to teenager smiling all the while (and also trying to grab their noses off)! You sat still as my mom cut your hair (even though that’s against the rules)! Your hair was very long on the sides and not so much in the back in the middle. We just evened it up and promise to give you enough tummy time from now on to not let that happen again! 

You had a blast at Ikea with Aunt Missy picking out a crib and wardrobe for your room. And yes, you even let us become “those people” who had a baby in a bar-ish restaurant at 10 at night. You loved it and laughed and squealed at everyone walking by!

You sat patiently in the high chair as I made a birthday cake remembering my Mimi. You loved the crumbs as much as she did!

We enjoyed a meal with Aunt Missy and her mom and you got to watch Duke Basketball with her while we went to a concert. She also (breaking that rule again) gave you bangs. Then, because we are crazy we left for Valdosta at 10:30 at night. Again – you’re a champ. Sleeping through everything in the car and going right back to sleep in the hotel room. In Valdosta you met lots of United Methodist Women and one said she had been thinking about being a foster parent for a long time but was maybe finally ready after seeing how happy and easy you were.

We celebrated my Mom’s 61^st birthday this month too. You helped (by watching, singing, and dancing) make her a birthday cake too. I love seeing my Mama and Daddy with you. You didn’t like my Daddy  much in the beginning (which is strange because everyone loves Mr. Steve) but I think his beard is becoming less scary to you.

All those places you brought joy. Everyone comments on your smile and laughter. That’s something that comes from deep within who you are and I hope it always stays.

This month you’ve also started moving around a lot more. I have a feeling you’ll be crawling in a matter of days. You’re much more vocal too. You’re making a lot more noise – especially when something else is loud – like the mixer or hair dryer (or Tin Lizzys at 10 o’clock at night). You like to eat everything we’ve given you and are starting to want to eat more! You are a great sleeper – especially in the car – but don’t like to go to sleep when there is anything else happening. You’re not much of a cuddler. You’d rather be up and paying attention to what is going on. Only in the last couple of weeks will you lay your head on our shoulder when you are tired. Your favorite toy right now seems to be the xylophone and your baby comb. You also love jumping in the exersaucer and swaying side to side when music is on.

After one month the most important thing I can tell you is that you are loved. Know that we will keep you safe for as long as you are in our home. Please know that we are trying to work with your Mama and others who are working to see what will be best for you. All these days you won’t remember and might wonder about someday know that you were loved. Cared for. Cuddled. Safe. And bringing joy and delight wherever you go.

Love you Baby Girl,

Meggie

Yep

Yep. Yep. Yep.

This is how I felt about our first two placements for sure.

Saying, “I could never do that” appears to be a socially acceptable thing when one is confronted with foster care. This I have noticed.

God bless ya, folks. I know exactly what you are saying and thinking because I’ve been in your shoes, I’ve been on that side of the issue. But now I’m on the other side of the issue, on the foster parent side, and I want to say a few things.

You could do it.

No really. You could. You really really could.......
(For the rest of the blog article click the link below)

http://www.tredways.org/2013/01/31/i-could-never-do-that/

No news is....???

We've heard nothing about court yesterday and Baby S's parents didn't show for their visit.

It was easy last night to go have dinner with friends at one of our favorite places and forget that the smiling girly that everyone stops to speak to is still in a precarious situation.

It was easy to go home. Easy to have a bath, book, and a bottle.

It was hard though to lay her down in bed (ahem - pack and play) and wonder if that is the last night we will share our little routine.

So we lingered on the couch a little longer. Watched Bubbie working on the computer. Pretended that the baby really cared about the CMAs. Shared some extra snuggles.

If fostering is teaching me anything it is to appreciate everyday. Every moment. Not to take tomorrow for granted.

3 Weeks of Our Third Placement

Reading this post from Megan (who I've only met via facebook, instagram, and her blog but I deeply appreciate) has made me want to write more about how being a foster parent makes me feel. Which is hard because I don't usually like to talk about how I feel. But the last 10 weeks of being a Foster Parent brought with it all kinds of feelings.

Primarily I feel honored (may not be the right word) to be able to be a part of these kiddos life. Most won't remember but all of us are who we are because of people who loved us along the way. Its a scary and sacred thing to be given the responsibility for someone else's child. A life that I had nothing to do with bringing into the world, but I am charged with care of. Its a strange thing. I've made a habit of telling each child at bedtime that I love them. Even the first day. It was strange at first but its true. I do love them. I love them because they are. And because they are in my home. And because everyone needs to hear and feel that they are loved.

I feel SUPER frustrated at how difficult it is to work with the "system." Like Megan writes I too:
see how easy it is for professional child welfare workers to distance themselves from the intense emotion of what they do. I’m not sure how you could really do that job any other way.
But that distance they create out of self-preservation makes it difficult for me to connect with them to get the information I need. I also know that those workers are drastically under-resourced and over-worked. I know that but still. These are little lives. Lives that have already been marked by some drama that got them where they are. It shouldn't be this hard to be helpful.

I feel disheartened when I hear of other foster parents who give and give and love and love and kids are moved unexpectedly or placed with a random cousin because "family comes first" even though kids have been in a stable situation for years with the same foster family. Sometimes what's best for the child is not considered objectively. And it makes foster families feel like they are just a commodity to be used and discarded.

I am encouraged to learn of other families who adopt through the foster care system and create permanent, loving, and stable families.

I am uncomfortable with some people's reactions to learning we are a foster family. We're not heroes. And its not the "most self-sacrificing thing in the world." We're just loving kids that need to be loved. And yes its hard sometimes but its also wonderful. Its not a big deal and not something everyone has to know.

Sometimes I want everyone to know. I've wanted a t-shirt that says "I'm a foster kid" for kiddos. For when they have ridiculous crazy hair and we can't have it cut or crusty heads and we've only had them for 12 hours and three baths haven't been able to get the cradle crap, uh I mean cap off.  Or for when they start screaming at Waffle House or the park that they want their mama and they don't know who these people are. Or for when I'm trying to buy a kiddo shoes/clothes/socks and have to do strange things to measure them because I have no idea what will fit. Or in a restaurant or grocery store when I don't know what they like to eat.

I feel like what we are doing is ministry. Its what Jesus would do. In fact its something often mentioned in scripture - taking care of those who don't have anyone else to take care of them. I can understand how some super-spiritual folks get into this. And how interactions with "the system" would lead people to even further believe that "everything happens for a reason" yada yada yada. Because its something we can't control and we crave an explanation to make us feel better.

But I also feel like sometimes things don't happen for a reason. Sometimes parents are crappy. Sometimes they are ill-equipped. Sometimes they are doing their best and still mess up. But I don't believe that there is a puppeteer God somewhere crafting all of this to happen - especially when kids are harmed - to make some grand plan come about. Sometimes things happen. Horrible things. Wonderful things. Sometimes things work out. Sometimes they don't. What happens after that is up to us. What we make of the things that happen is what we have control over.

Sometimes I feel like a mother. When its 3am and I'm the one swaying and singing. When we're out somewhere and a comment is made assuming I'm the mother. When I'm the one waiting at the doctor's office wondering how much longer we have until hunger/sleepy meltdown ensues. When I'm standing with other parents for pickup at the babysitter's house hearing of the adventures of the day.

Sometimes I don't feel like a mother. When I think about holidays coming and realize I have no idea whether or not there will be a child in my care. When I am looking for pajamas and every set has something about "mommy" or "auntie." Ick. When I realize that literally at any time someone could come and take the baby away. Maybe that's self-preservation on my part. But I don't yet think of myself as a mom.

Today I feel the weight of their stories. I've only known 4 in 10 weeks. I can't imagine the way they would accumulate after months and years. Like Megan wrote:

Their lives require more. Their dignity deserves more. Their humanity demands more.

And so we give it. Because if we don’t give it, they aren’t going to get it. But in the giving of it, we are burdened by their stories.

And the weight is just almost unbearable.

Today is a 10-day hearing for Baby S (even though she's been in our care for 3 weeks). Hearings started at 9am and will go all day. I have no idea what time hers will be. There is a minimal chance the judge sends her home today which would mean her parents will have had to do nothing. This would be crazy. But crazy things happen. I don't think I will be able to breathe until I hear.\

(Yesterday, while recovering from 7 shots, the Future President and I spent some time with the xylophone.)

Baby #4!

Got a call yesterday afternoon about a 7 month old girl and picked her up from the DFCS office about 5.


We are glad to be "home" for baby S for however long she is with us!

Waiting.

Waiting is for the

. 

That's what I think about that.

Its hard to plan when you don't know whether or not you'll kids the next day!

3 kids later...

Things have been crazy and I haven't posted. I am sure that comes as no surprise to anyone. If there was anyone reading!

We had our first placement - Baby C for 20 days. She's gone back to stay with the couple who have been caring for her since she was three weeks old. Her mom has supervised visits.  We miss her for sure but are glad she has people who already know and love her who can care for her and keep her safe.

Baby C the afternoon she left us. What a joy!

We had one night with no kiddos.

Then got a call at 4:45 Saturday morning (Oct. 5) asking if we would take 2 boys. They thought the ages were 1 and 4 (turned out to be 9 months and 3 but we didn't know that until they left).

They were in a car - not in seat belts and the driver - turns out to be the father of the oldest one - had been pulled over for a DUI. We picked up the kids from where he'd been pulled over around 5:30am. We had those boys - J and Big B - until Monday afternoon at 5pm. Turns out mom had been pulled over early in the evening for DUI and called this guy from jail to go get the kids from daycare. He had them all night partying evidently and then was stopped. Since they weren't in the car with her when she was stopped she got them back. I am glad they are back home and mom seems to be scared away from making stupid choices!

Two is definitely harder than twice as hard! Busy busy!

We are still open and could get a call at anytime. The waiting and the coming and going is exhausting!

It happened!

We had a call at 11:30 Thursday night asking if we would take a 8 month old girl. We said yes!
Since then we've learned she's really 7 months old, loves to laugh at herself in the mirror, squeal at the dog, and be in the stroller. She is easy easy going and so good natured! She's not a good eater or sleeper but doesn't fuss about it. We're wondering if she is uninterested in food because she hasn't been offered any! She is very small.

72 hour hearing is today at 2pm. We may know more about her situation after that - or we may learn she is going to leave us.