Dear Baby J

Dear Baby J,

You are by far the smallest baby I have ever seen or held or cared for in real life. You came into this world two months early and needed to spend some extra time in the hospital letting your body catch up. You came home with us on January 11 and we are loving having you! (We spent the previous weekend going back and forth to the hospital learning how to care for you and getting to know you.) We are sure sad you had to spend this time in the hospital  but we do appreciate the schedule they have you on.

Right now you basically sleep for 4 hours, wake up, get changed, eat, and go back to sleep. You are wanting to stay awake a little more each time but mostly you’re just a sleepy head! But that’s ok! Without a doubt it is what you need to be doing! You’ve gained an ounce a day since you’ve been with us, are keeping your jaundice numbers down, and maintaining your body temp like a champ. The doctor says everything is as it should be.

S already calls you “my baby” and wants to smother you with kisses. K is a little suspicious of you drinking out of bottles that look a lot like his. You’re fitting right in!

We’ve visited with your mom and family several times and they’re working to get you back with them. We hope that happens soon,  but we’re happy to care for you until then. You should know that we value sleep a lot in our home, but have happily given up the thought of a whole night sleep to be able to love and care for you right now.

Welcome to the family, J! We’re happy you’re here and are so enjoying watching you grow!

Love,

Meggie

Dear B

Dear B,

You were our Christmas kid. We’ll always remember Christmas 2015 as the Christmas you were with us. You had such a confusing 10 days. You went from being with your mom to two different foster homes in just a weekend. Then you were just with us for 7 days. It just happened that Christmas – the best and craziest time of the year happened in those 7 days. If it hadn’t been Christmas you could have gone home sooner because offices would have been open.

We spent our time together with family and friends. You met lots of people and went several places. We saw the lights at Callaway Gardens together. We celebrated Christmas Eve and our house together. You are such a special boy. You’re interested in the world around you and seem to be taking it all in in ways other kids don’t. Even with the difference in your house and our house you seemed to fit right in and tried to go with the flow. (We know now you had ear infections during that week and hate that meant you weren’t feeling your best.)

We were glad to be there for you when you needed us. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew that some kids would stay for a while and some kids wouldn’t. You weren’t the shortest placement we’ve had – but you were close! You wore us out kiddo, in mostly all good ways. We’ve parented two 18-month olds but have never had a kid that age come into our home. We learned a lot!

We hope you had a Merry Christmas in our home and that you’re doing well back with your mom and grandma and brother. You were loved while you were with us and you’ll forever be a part of our big foster family.

Love,

Meggie

Letter for K

Dear K,

Recently someone who actually reads these letters told me I’d never written you a letter. I thought they had to be wrong, but nope. I looked back and never have. We didn’t even make an official introduction of you on the blog. Please forgive me! You’ve been an important and lively part of our family now for almost 8 months despite your absence from the blog!

You’re the youngest baby we’ve fostered. I met you at the hospital when you were only 4 days old! You were born on a Thursday and we learned about you on Saturday at a foster parent training. We were told you would be going to relatives probably – but before I knew it I remember saying “if something changes and he needs us we can work it out to have him.” The DFCS person said "I didn't think ya'll wanted newborns" and I said "crazier things have happened."

I picked you up on a Monday afternoon in May. Getting a baby from the hospital is something I never thought I would have a chance to do. While we waited for DFCS to get their paperwork in order I asked the nurses a million questions. They gave me some tips for caring for such a new baby and assured me I was going to be ok. I left the hospital with your few belongings and some formula in a trash bag. So not the way you want to enter the world - but we've made sure you had a much better welcome since then.  I strapped you in the infant seat we used for J and thought – are they really going to let me leave with him? The DFCS worker waited with you while I got the van – and then we were off. Bubbie and S and J came home that night excited to meet you. 

You had some allergies and tummy troubles that we didn’t know about yet. We spend your first days with us mostly trying to get you to stop crying. (We really spent your first months with us trying to get you to stop crying.) Once we got you on special formula and meds for reflux things calmed down.

We’ve learned a lot about parenting from you. We learned just how little sleep we can survive on. We've learned what colic looks like. And what silent reflux is. We’ve learned how easy we had it with our first 5 kids. They all were unusually good sleepers – and you’re still not sleeping through the night. We’ve also learned that there is no “one size fits all” approach for parenting. You’re exactly one year younger than K. We had him at the same time through the same stages last year and you’re so different. Some of that has to do with his and your special needs – but most of it has to do with your temperaments. We've also learned what it is like to have a positive relationship with the bio mom of our foster kid.

These days you’re happy 90% of the time. You’re sitting on your own and rolling over. You love being in the walker and cruising all over the house. You are super charming and have the best smile. Your favorite thing is for S to talk or sing to you or pay attention to you in general.  You have one little puff of hair on top of your head. You’re not eating much baby food yet. In fact when we try to give it to you, you scream like the worst thing in the world has happened. We’re hoping you warm up to it soon!

You get to see your birth mom every week and she is working hard to get you back. She comes to all of your doctor’s appointments to keep up with what’s going on with you. You also have been getting some visits with your grandma and your sister too.

We’re excited to have you in our home for Christmas. Your first Christmas is a big deal. You already have seen Santa three times!  You like the sparkle of the lights everywhere  too. We make a big deal out of Christmas because we celebrate and remember that God’s love became real and lived with us. God became one of us. It helps to remember the real-ness of that little baby when we have a real little baby in our home. We love you and care for you because God loves us and cares for us. We hope we make that love real for you every day.

Love,

Meggie and Bubbie

Gracefully

Dear J,

I have written you a million letters in the last two months but until this one they’ve all just stayed in my head and heart. I think I have to write this one down now because sometimes we need to get things out.

I’ve missed you every day since you’ve been gone. Some days are harder than others when we have a food I know you would love or when we know you’ve had a doctor’s appointment and hope you’ve gotten there. Your Bubbie and I have missed you together and separately and everyone in our village has grieved your absence from us.

We haven’t heard from you – but our friends have seen you out and about twice (we may or may not be stalking the Kmart where they saw you once). We like knowing you’re ok and had hoped we would be able to stay in touch. We’ve learned a lot of things about you physically since you left – test results that didn’t come back until you were gone. We know you have some real limitations and are hoping hard and praying hard that your family is making sure your special needs are met. For a while we thought you weren’t getting to appointment and therapies but have just in the last week learned you might be getting what you need from another route. We fought hard for you. We called everyone we knew to call. Your friends fought too. There are lots of people who were really concerned for you. We hope that concern has made a difference.

We’re so sad that you’re caught in a broken system of changing case workers and policies and regulations that mean you’ve fallen in a big ‘ol crack. In the end, I want to be able to say I did everything I could to be able to make sure you don’t stay in that crack.

I’m not writing this to say we’re done fighting. I will always want to make sure you’re ok and I will keep using my connections to try and make sure your needs are met. But I am writing this in some ways to remind myself that I am not in charge. Try as I might, I can’t ensure your safety right now. I have to trust that that is ok.

These are the hard parts of fostering….the loving entirely and completely while you’re in our home and then the still loving entirely and completely after you’re gone. You are the first kiddo who has made us feel this way. You’re not the first who has left us, but you were different. Maybe because you were with us longer…maybe because you have special needs…maybe because we didn’t feel so great about where you were going when you left us…probably a combo of all three – but something about your absence is different.

I hope next week your family gets together and celebrates Thanksgiving and I hope they are as thankful for you as we are. Just know J, that you’re going to be missed at our celebrations and that you are one of the blessings we are thankful for this year.

Love, Meggie

What I Hope for Your Heart

Dear S,

We’ve had a hard week. We dropped J off with his Grandma on Monday. She was very nice and excited to see him. She also seems interested and engaged in taking good care of him. It was easier to leave thinking that Grandma was nice and wants him to be happy and healthy. Our hope and prayer is that this is true.

You gave him a big hug and kiss. We all cried a little (J was crying a lot) and then we met Mae Mae for ice cream. It was nearly supper time and the ice cream ruined our dinner but our appetites were mostly already gone and the ice cream helped.

We’ve talked to you about what’s happening with J since we’ve known he was leaving. You don’t seem to really understand but that’s ok. You’re just 2! You do ask about him often. Every time I hear your sweet voice say “Where JJ go?” I cringe and catch my breath. I tell you every time that he went to live at a different house. Usually you’re satisfied with this answer for about 20 minutes and then you ask again. “Where JJ go?” A couple of times you’ve said “Me different house” and I know you want to go with him. I wish we could see him, Sweet Girl. I miss him too.

The reason it is hard and that it hurts is that we loved him well. He is a part of our family and it always hurts when part of your family isn’t with you anymore.

You’re just a little girl but I wonder about how being a part of a foster family will affect your heart. Even though you’re not officially our daughter yet, you’re our daughter in every way but one. I can’t wait for the day that I can promise you that you won’t ever have to leave our house and go live somewhere else. For now, I can just promise we are doing everything we can to make that happen. (And we’re excited we can adopt you together thanks to the Supreme Court Ruling this summer.)

I can’t imagine doing anything that would hurt you on purpose. Bubbie and I try to make decisions together that are good for our whole family. I don’t want continuing to foster to hurt you. Foster care hurts our hearts and minds sometimes when we have to say good bye or we don’t understand but we’re grown-up and can choose that. Is it fair to choose that for you?

Here’s what I hope being a part of our family does to your heart. I hope that you get to love all kinds of people. I hope that your heart learns how to open up and welcome others in. I hope that your heart learns how to feel deeply and care about the needs of others. I hope that you learn how to guard your heart against things that will hurt, but not against love. I don’t think we should ever guard our hearts against love.

I don’t want your heart to break, but I know that’s a part of love. If we don’t care about people it is easy to never feel sad. We are sad now because we love JJ so much. But I wouldn’t trade back one day with him even if it meant we wouldn’t feel sad now. I am glad we opened our hearts to him and knew him and love him.

I hope that as you get older we can talk about this more and more. I want your heart to be ok. I want you to be able to talk to me about how you feel. I want being a part of a foster family to be a healthy thing for all of you – not just your heart. Your Bubbie and I will keep thinking about you as we make decisions about what’s good for our family. There are a lot of things in the world I want to shelter you from, and the situations that could bring kids into our home are some of those things. BUT, I want to you know that for every bad or scary thing, there are good and hopeful things. There are days that will break our hearts – but there are also days full of love. And those days and that love is why we do this. We all need love.

We love you Sweet Girl,

Mama

P.S. I know your world has turned upside down - but please...you've got to start having sweet hands more often than not at school. Even when we're sad, we can't hurt our friends! I think mostly you just want to boss everyone around and make them play with you but that's not love and that's not how we make friends. We talk about this too, but hey - you're just two. 

Court Today.

Dear J,

We had court today where the judge made a big decision. He decided the best thing for you is to live with your grandmother. We’re not sure all the reasons why this hasn’t happened before, but for whatever reason  - this was decided today. You’ll be with us for two more weeks and then move to her house.

Right now my heart is breaking. All along I’ve known you weren’t really our little boy – but all along you’ve really been our little boy. We’ve been the family you’ve known and loved and who has loved you for 427 out of your 474 days on earth. We’ve celebrated your first foods, your first teeth, when you finally rolled over, and now you’re finally scooting! We’ve worked extra hard to help you reach some milestones and are certain that you’ll catch up as long as you keep getting the help you need. We celebrated more than a year of holidays with you and your first birthday. You’ve been on trips and seen the mountains, the beach, Disney World, weddings, tractors, pig races, and spent days at the river. You’ve been a part of our larger families who have loved you and cared about you too. You’ve been a part of our church family and our work families.

I can’t remember what life was like before you. Our family won’t be the same after you. Your sister is going to miss you so much. She has loved you from the first day you came to our house. You’re just getting old enough to stand up to her pestering and enjoy playing with her.

You will always always have a huge piece of your Bubbie’s heart. Since she first met you, you have had her wrapped around the littlest of your little fingers. I don’t know what she’s going to do without you.

J, you made us a family that didn’t match. With you in our family we got more looks and questions. We did a lot of thinking about whether or not that was really best for you. We hope we were what you needed. We’ve known from the beginning that we would probably be saying goodbye one day but that doesn’t make today any easier. We have worked hard to be the family you needed and promised to be that family as long as you needed it.

It looks like the court says you won’t need us after the next two weeks. We hope this move is a good one for you and brings some healing and reconciliation in your first family. We hope you keep growing and learning. We hope you are well taken care of and your special needs are met. We hope your family tells you about God and much God loves you and cares for all of us. We’re going to ask if grandma will keep in touch so we can know how you’re doing. We hope she agrees.

We’re going to make the most of these next two weeks. Get ready for extra snuggles and extra hugs and kisses. We’ll pack your clothes and your favorite toys and books and get ready as best we can. As we do all that we’ll pray without ceasing for you and for your grandma and your mom and your dad and your bio brother and sister and for your foster brother and sister and your Bubbie and your Meggie. We’ll ask God to give us peace and wisdom and an extra measure of love for one another.

Love you,

Meggie

First Day of School

Dear Sam,
I haven’t written you a letter since March. There are all kinds of reasons for this (including someone reported us to DFCS for having a picture of you visible online AND we bought a new house and moved in AND we have a new baby in that new house that makes anything extra seem impossible) but don’t think that because I haven’t written I haven’t had things to say! We have pictures that tell the story of our summer: becoming a family of 5, you getting a new room in the new house, your first swimming lessons, special days with Mae Mae and Steve….the list goes on.

You’re two years old in every way. You’re talking more, starting to pretend, running all the time, asking a million questions, and trying to use the potty more and more.

Something special happens tomorrow that I wanted to make sure I wrote about. You’re going to start school!

Now, in some ways this change won’t feel that different for you. Since you’ve lived with us you’ve gone 5 days a week to Ms. Shannon’s house for daycare but at her house there are only 6 kids (you and your brothers are 3 of the 6) and none of the kids are really your age. So – even though it won’t be my first time dropping you off to stay somewhere while I work, it will still be different.

School is really important. Even in the two-year old room. It is where you’ll learn about letters and numbers and colors and shapes and feelings. You’ll learn about listening and standing in line and waiting your turn. You’ll learn more about books and pretend and art and science and which slide on the playground is really the best. The most important thing I think school will do for you this year is give you a chance for you to make friends and learn how to be a friend. You’ll have to learn more about sharing. You’ll get to learn more about being kind. You already care deeply for people – especially when they are hurt and school will help you know what to do with that. I am excited about all that school will teach you.

The school you are going to is pretty special. I went to school there! And Jar went to school there. Lots my friends went to school there too. In fact, when we were there today for orientation I talked to another Mama who I know from being in school there 30 years ago. Your Bubbie and I hope we have made a good choice for you and that you have a wonderful time there. In my wildest dreams I would never ever have imagined I would be living in Columbus and sending a child to the same pre-school I attended – but you should know that our life right now is so much better than any of my wildest dreams!

You probably are going to be the only kid at this school who has two moms.  We know that sending you to school means that you’re one step closer to realizing that makes our family special. We trust the school and the church and hope that you never ever feel like this is a bad thing. We’re excited about you having friends and meeting people that have all different kinds of families. Steve has already put the “donuts with dad” day on his calendar to celebrate with you and Bubbie and I both will be there for “muffins with mom.”

We’re figuring this out as we go, Sweets, and we're trying to make the decisions that are best for you and for our family. You continue to bring us and our friends and family so much joy. You’re smart and sassy and beautiful and independent. I am so glad – so glad – that we’re celebrating this “first” with you. I can’t wait to see what happens this school year and how you grow.

I love you Sweet Girl,
Mama

P.S. We’re still waiting on some things to be printed in the paper and some papers to be signed. Your adoption has been delayed again, but we’re confident there is light at the end of the tunnel!