Dear K, Loving a Child That is Leaving

Dear K,

We found out last week you will more than likely be leaving us in the coming months to go live with your sister in the foster home where she has been since you were born. Your sister is S’s age so we’ve said all along that she’s been preparing you well for having an older sister! At first we thought your sister might be moving to our house. It seemed big and scary and overwhelming but also really important that you two be in the same home as you get older. Especially if it looks like you won’t be going back to your birth Mama. (Nothing is for sure decided on that front. The only thing that is certain is that she has a lot to do to be able to parent you both and that will likely take a long time for her to get it done.) As it turns out, the foster mom who has your sister is willing to welcome you into her home too. She loves your sister and recognizes the transition for her at her age will likely be harder than moving you at your age.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how best to love you right now. How do I love a child that is leaving?

First of all, you should know that nothing changes about my love. I still love you and am committed to taking the very best care of you that I can as long as I can.

Second, I am committed to making the transition that is coming as healthy as possible for you and your sister. Family reunification is important  - even if that is “reunifying” siblings who only know each other through one hour a week visits.

Third, I am going to remember that balance matters. It is tempting to indulge you and lean towards spoiling you a little. When you want to take a bottle with you to bed for instance – I could say to myself “He’ll only be here a few more weeks” and let it go. But I know that’s not what you need in the long run. You’ve just started in-home occupational therapy to help with some eating issues. It would be really easy to not make those visits happen and just push it off onto your next home to deal with. But instead I’m freezing you baby food pellets and introducing you to as many textures as I can think of, per the instructions of the Occupational Therapist we met last week. There may be extra hugs and snuggles and smiles your way. You don’t seem to mind being rocked these days and being reminded of the song I have sang to you every night since you were five days old… But who couldn’t use more songs and snuggles and hugs!

I’m preparing you to leave by trying to keep everything the same. It is one of the crazy contradictions of foster care. I want stability and normalcy for you and for all of us. We know the transition is coming but we have time to get ready. When we start the transition you’ll gradually start spending more time at their house and less time at ours until you spend all your time there. Even though we know this is coming, we don’t really need to change anything about today.

You’re the first babe I got to bring home from the hospital. You’re by far the most difficult kiddo (health wise) we’ve had! You’ll always have a special place in our hearts for those reasons. If we could we would love you and welcome you into our family forever. We are open to that. But we also know that being with your sister is important and if we can help make that happen for everyone in a happy and healthy way, we will gladly help.

So, Little Man, we are not going to spoil you rotten because we know you’re leaving. We’re not going to put off the hard work of getting you where you should be with milestones because you’re leaving. We’re not going to stop paying attention to you and start distancing ourselves from you because you’re leaving. We’re going to keep on loving you. One day – one hour – one minute – and one frozen baby food pellet at a time! Like our song says “I’ve got confidence My Lord will see us through…no matter what the day may bring…”

I love you, K.

Meggie

One more week!

Dear Baby J,

We thought you would be leaving us today to go live with an aunt. We learned last night they’re not quite ready for you yet so it looks like we have another week to love you. You’re growing so much every day. Dr. Tom says you’ve gained an average of an ounce a day since we’ve had you and that is outstanding! (If it were only as easy to lose an ounce a day I would be delighted!)

You’re holding your head up and looking around more and more. You’re staying awake a little long between each feeding. We’ve had a couple of instances of projectile spit-up that we would like to not repeat – but mostly you’re happy and healthy. You have grey-blue eyes still and have the best hair! You’re going to be quite a handsome fella!

It looks like our time together will be ending soon but we hope to stay in touch with your family and be able to watch you grow from a distance. We’ve learned so much about babies and caring for the smallest among us by parenting you. We’ve also learned a lot about ourselves and our family by having you around. We’re thankful for the village we have who support us and love us and help us take care of you.

We love you little guy!

Love,

Meggie

Happy Birthday, Sweet S!

Dear Sweet S,

You are three years old today! We will celebrate with friends and family this weekend but we celebrated all day today too. “Sah” was here when you woke up and we sang Happy Birthday to you. You had donuts on the way to school for breakfast, had a special outfit to wear, and I brought treats for your class after nap. You were excited for Sah and me to be at your school and we were glad to be there. We had big cupcakes which you and your friends enjoyed. We had a special dinner out with Mae Mae, Steve, Sah, Lola, and Aunt Pissy. You got to ride home in Mae Mae’s car and talked them into stopping for both bananas and ice cream on the way home.

I wish I could tell you about the day you were born. I didn’t get to be there. Another woman saw you first, heard your first cries, gave you your first bath, and changed your first diapers. There are a lot of first that you and I have shared together since then, but those very first firsts I missed.  I’ve seen pictures of that day and what I do know is that you were born into a family that loved you. There we lots of people who came to the hospital to see you. Your GiGi was SO happy you were born and you were healthy. Grover was glad to have a daughter. Your older brothers and sisters were delighted with you. Your cousins and aunts and uncles came to celebrate. The day you were born was a really really big deal.

Your first birthday we got to celebrate with you! You had been living in our house for about  6 months. We celebrated with lots of friends and family in the front yard at our old house. Celebrating your birthday at that house is one of my favorite memories. We had hot dogs and hamburgers and a cake I made. We had bright decorations and lots of fun.

Your second birthday seems like it was just last week. On your actual 2^nd birthday we were out of town celebrating a wedding with friends so we had your birthday party a little late. You were really into Mexican food so we had your party at a Mexican restaurant. You loved the balloons, cake, burritos, and presents! Lots of friends and family were there with us to celebrate.

This year we will another party at our new house. Bubbie and I are busy making plans and are excited to have some other children at this party for you to play with. We hope you will have a great time!

Birthdays are times we celebrate life. We celebrate you living another year. We celebrate the life you bring to our family and our world. We celebrate us making it another year as your parents. This foster thing we’re doing together means we have lots of “anniversaries” or special days we celebrate. Your birthday is a big one. On this day I do think about GiGi and how much she loves you. You brought and still bring light and life to her world too. I imagine this day is hard for her but I know she celebrates too. I thank God for her and how she made a really hard decision to share your life with us.

 

Your third year of life was a wild ride. You’re growing and learning every day. You are so smart. You’re kind to babies and old people. You are busy all the time figuring things out. You love dressing up and baby dolls. You’re a quite good big sister and mommy to your babies. You are a great eater and have almost mastered potty training. You love to sing and have started to make up new songs. You’re making friends at school and learning how to be kind and sweet. You like to count and prefer numbers over letters or colors. You still want to everything yourself if at all possible. It is a delight and joy to watch you becoming your own person.

I can’t wait to see what this year brings us, Sweet Girl. I hope it brings finalization with your adoption. I hope it brings growth and health. I hope it brings joy and adventure. Happy Birthday, S! I am so glad you were born and that I get to be your Mama.

Love, Mama