Sweet Sam,
I’ve waited 1,092 days to be able to write it this letter
and now I can! We celebrated your adoption day on October 13 and now you’re our
daughter forever and ever.
When we started fostering we imagined that one day we might
be able to adopt a child through foster care. We anticipated it might take
years to meet the child that would be forever ours. You were our third
placement. We only were licensed for about 2 months before we met you. So our
waiting was not waiting to get to meet you – it was waiting to get to be your
parents forever. And it was worth it.
Along the way someone told me that trusting
God means also trusting God’s timing. That was really really hard sometimes but
we trusted and we see now the beautiful parts of trusting that timing.
You’ve taught me so much in these years of being your mom.
From you I’ve learned that nurture matters and that nature
matters and we can never downplay the role that either plays in our lives and
growth.
You’ve taught me that being a mom is the most beautiful and
meaningful thing I can ever do. You’ve also taught me that being a mom is the
most frustrating and exhausting thing I can ever do.
Your first family taught me that the world and its problems
are complex and that everyone has a backstory that is often filled with so much
hurt and pain I can’t even imagine it. They’ve also taught me what sacrificial
love looks like. From your first mom I learned what it really looks like to make
a decision based on what’s best for your child even when it hurts your heart so
bad it breaks into a million pieces.
This process taught me to trust God more than I trust other
people, more than I trust my own logic, and more than I trust my own ability
to plan and control.
Becoming your mom has helped me learn to take risks even
when they don’t make sense to anyone else around us. Becoming your mom helped
me learn how to live in and even to lean into the unknown.
Being your mom has taught me that love always wins and that
love is always always always worth it – even when it hurts.
It has taken me a couple of weeks to be able to write this
for several reasons – partially things have been really busy for us as a family
with lots of changes going on. I also hoped we would have some pictures soon
from your adoption day we could share – and maybe we’ll add those when we get
them. But I think its also taken me
awhile because it needed to really sink in.
When mommies have babies in their tummies they have months
to get used to the idea that they’ll be a mother. I didn’t get to have you in
my tummy so I missed that time. I’ve been your Mama for 3 years so I could see
how some people might think I had all that time to get used to it. But the hard
part about those three years was that as much as I was your Mama and loving you
and taking care of you – I always had this little voice in my head and heart
that kept reminding me I might not get to be your Mama forever. When the judge
signed the adoption papers, that little voice was silenced. It has to be quiet
now and that’s what my head and heart needed some time to get used to.
Even though I’ve gotten used to the idea in the past couple
of weeks, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being amazed by it. I get to be your
mom. Bubbie gets to be your mom. Out of everyone else in the world we get to be your parents and
help and watch you grown up. This seems like a big job. You’re a super strong
willed independent little girl. But just as we trusted God with the risk taking
and the timing, we will trust God to help us know how to best be your parents. We have no doubt that you are meant for our family.
You asked me this week if we could get another baby in our house soon. I love that you're growing up knowing that babies are welcome and taken care of in our house. I am so excited that now I can tell you that other babies that come might have to someday go - but that you get to stay forever.
I'm honored to be your Mama.
I love you.
Mama
