Dear J,
I have written you a million letters in the last two months
but until this one they’ve all just stayed in my head and heart. I think I have
to write this one down now because sometimes we need to get things out.
I’ve missed you every day since you’ve been gone. Some days
are harder than others when we have a food I know you would love or when we
know you’ve had a doctor’s appointment and hope you’ve gotten there. Your
Bubbie and I have missed you together and separately and everyone in our
village has grieved your absence from us.
We haven’t heard from you – but our friends have seen you
out and about twice (we may or may not be stalking the Kmart where they saw you
once). We like knowing you’re ok and had hoped we would be able to stay in
touch. We’ve learned a lot of things about you physically since you left – test
results that didn’t come back until you were gone. We know you have some real
limitations and are hoping hard and praying hard that your family is making
sure your special needs are met. For a while we thought you weren’t getting to
appointment and therapies but have just in the last week learned you might be
getting what you need from another route. We fought hard for you. We called
everyone we knew to call. Your friends fought too. There are lots of people who
were really concerned for you. We hope that concern has made a difference.
We’re so sad that you’re caught in a broken system of
changing case workers and policies and regulations that mean you’ve fallen in a
big ‘ol crack. In the end, I want to be able to say I did everything I could to
be able to make sure you don’t stay in that crack.
I’m not writing this to say we’re done fighting. I will
always want to make sure you’re ok and I will keep using my connections to try
and make sure your needs are met. But I am writing this in some ways to remind
myself that I am not in charge. Try as I might, I can’t ensure your safety
right now. I have to trust that that is ok.
These are the hard parts of fostering….the loving entirely
and completely while you’re in our home and then the still loving entirely and
completely after you’re gone. You are the first kiddo who has made us feel this
way. You’re not the first who has left us, but you were different. Maybe
because you were with us longer…maybe because you have special needs…maybe
because we didn’t feel so great about where you were going when you left us…probably
a combo of all three – but something about your absence is different.
I hope next week your family gets together and celebrates
Thanksgiving and I hope they are as thankful for you as we are. Just know J,
that you’re going to be missed at our celebrations and that you are one of the
blessings we are thankful for this year.
Love, Meggie
